Self-help for the Self-centred…a new series

The Fine Art of Being a Complete Asshole
Random Lesson of the Day: Treating the Help Like Shit

Naturally you’re far too busy to cook for yourself. Since mommy isn’t around to do it anymore, and you’re wife had the good sense to finally leave you, there’s only one solution to putting food in your belly – dining out.

Perhaps you’ve recently coerced a new female companion into believing you are as charming and wonderful as you undoubtedly believe in your own mind, and tonight’s the night to impress her at your favourite fancy establishment.

This post goes out to you…

If you’re going to take a lady out to a restaurant, always keep in mind that you’re paying top dollar for people to cater to your every whim, so always be as demanding as possible. Never forget that their service only exists because of your patronage, so always expect to be treated like the centre of the universe, which, of course, you are.

No matter how busy it is, always make a fuss if you have to wait more than 5 minutes for a drink, or 10 minutes for food. It’s not your concern that the cooks in the back only make minimum wage to work a high-stress job with no benefits and no recognition from the people they provide for day after day. Don’t you bother worrying that your server has done 5 doubles this week, hasn’t had a single break all day, and 10 other tables to currently deal with – you should always be top priority. If your waitress doesn’t appear magically before your eyes for every petty request that pops into your head, simply make use of the classic asshole beckoning method – snapping your fingers, or a brief shrill whistle. Yelling out “garçon” is another classic, especially if your server is female. Humiliation is a necessary part of making your lack of patience known.

Nit-pick everything – the microscopic spot on your plate, the two crumbs under the stand-up desert menu, or the slight draft that isn’t actually making you uncomfortable. The more problems you point out, the better your chances for some free food. If you think your shrimp cakes should be 7.3 degrees hotter, be sure to let your server know. Use words like “ice-cold” instead of lukewarm. Extreme exaggeration is the staple of any asshole. For absolutely any issue you have with your meal, be sure to take it out on the waitress as if she maliciously cooked it herself.

Don’t forget to always be on your phone when talking to your waiter. There’s no greater display of your importance and self-worth than always reserving 80 percent of your attention to a phone call. Texting is an acceptable second option.

And be sure to tip badly, or not at all. Memorize some of these expressions to justify being a cheap piece of shit in front of your date:

“She gets a wage. I shouldn’t have to pay extra for her to do her job.”

“I’m not tipping 15 percent. She didn’t do anything special. She didn’t even ask us if we wanted lemon in our water.”

“She forgot the ketchup. So much for her tip.”

Try to work in a mocking receipt note as well, if you can.

Less money in their pockets means more money in yours. Never stop thinking about that third Rolex you should own.

Being an asshole means you do not put any single one of a restaurant’s employees, seen or unseen, into human context. Never consider that they may have personal problems of their own, or that anyone can have a bad day or make a mistake. Never consider what it would be like to walk in their shoes. Compassion is for Mother Theresa, not someone who’s ravaged by hunger and too lazy to cook for themselves.

When leaving, don’t forget to stick your chest out proudly in the air as you ignore the hostess wishing you a good evening. And never bother holding the door open for a lady – the women’s liberation movement taught you they should rightfully fend for themselves by this point.

Head back to your place, and if the potential new notch on your bed post doesn’t want to come in, give her the number for a taxi. As a self-centred asshole, you have other priorities to deal with than chauffeuring frigid women around the city.

Next week’s lesson: Shooting Animals for Fun

Don’t miss it!