Whoring Yourself Isn’t That Original…

Yeah, I’ve talked about it enough, so here’s a preview of things to come…

Pre-orders going on sale soon. You know that scam, right? Where someone takes your money, to spend on hookers and blow, while you sit home patiently, with nothing new to read?

Pretty sneaky.

But I would never do that to you. Not without offering a fancy incentive — like my prized signature, and a personalized note to your cat, dog, lizard, or hamster. Simply specify which animal you own upon ordering.

No guinea pigs or fish, please.

If you don’t have a pet, perhaps I can write a poem about your favourite trip to Walmart. Or say a small prayer thrice weekly for your dying houseplants. Maybe I can donate a toonie to the charity of my choice, in your name, kinda like those assholes who try to guilt you at the local Fresh Co. — except they use your money, and their name.

It won’t be a full two dollars to the needy, obviously, since everyone has to take a cut. The glossy new brochures, and limos to the “save the world” convention ain’t fuckin’ free, ya know. Not to worry, at least a penny or two will trickle down to the bloated African babies. And you’ll feel great knowing you made a difference.

If none of those incentives will encourage you to drop $400 early for a copy of my new book, I have no idea what will.

Oh wait, did I write 400 dollars? I meant pesos. Actually that’s a bit pricey too, let’s cut that in half. Twice. Shit, I need a calculator…

But if you act now, I’ll send not one, but TWO copies of the book. Yeah, you read that correctly. The pot’s gettin’ sweeter every second.

With the weather warming outside, you know what else I’m giving away?

A new fucking shammy! The kind Vince Shlomo sold before getting arrested for chomping down on a transvestite prostitute’s lower lip. Yep, this thing’ll do a beautiful job wipin’ down your car, or soakin’ up 2 L of Coke Zero someone spilled on the rug during your Game of Thrones party.

How could you possibly pass that up??

You can’t — especially once you learn that the first 1000 orders will also receive a free tactical flashlight. I shit you not!! You can freeze this fucker, drive over it with your Humvee, or jam it up your ass, and it’ll never break. It stops working if you do something stupid with it, like use it in the dark, or carry it in your backpack for a month, but only an idiot would do something so foolish. It’s a tactical flashlight, not a practical one, dumbass.

You do realize you’ll have to pay all the extra shipping and handling for these gifts, right? I ain’t no delivery-boy sucker. But after I throw in 3 free samples of hand-made bricks I’ve been stockpiling in my parents garage, you might consider that $400 mark again. American. Fuck the pesos.

Before you start thinking “scam,” I should let you know the bricks are part of an ultra-sustainable, Earth-friendly, green-living construction system I’m pioneering. I’m including free plans with every sample of bricks. In order to save the trees, I’ve carved the design ideas onto slabs of homemade clay, 100% bio-degradable. Shipping is gonna cost a little more, but well worth it to save the planet.

The shipping mark-ups have nothing to do with the sweet deal I have going on with Fed Ex. I swear.

For the measly sum of 5 or 6 hundred bucks, my new book is yours.

It’ll be out no later than 2021. Promise.

Place your order today!

Hookers aren’t gettin’ any cheaper.

What's on your mind?