As I’ve been analyzing other blogs over the last few months, I noticed there seems to be a lot of posts out there formulated into lists. I guess David Letterman had far more influence on our stupid society than I realized. Everywhere I turn, I find shit like The Top 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence, 5 Tips to Land Your Dream Job, or 12 Reasons Why Everyone Should Consider Fucking a Goat.
For the most part, the writing is pure shit, and loaded with obvious, common-sense advice that isn’t worth wasting 5 minutes perusing. It’s pretty sad when the number of ads outweighs the words of wisdom.
But in the spirit of attracting a wider audience to the BonerFruit fun, we’re going to try putting a bit of self-help guidance together today using the listing technique. And we’re going to try using some advertising as well for the first time here. Society loves a formula, so who am I to argue?
The Top 5 Ways to Determine if a Top 10 List Was Written by a Douchebag
Snappy title, eh?
We’ll do it in reverse order to build the suspense. The anticipation probably already has you jizzing your pants.
Here we go…
Reason the Fifth — They Sell the Shit They’re Praising
Yeah, not too much conflict of interest there, asshole. A thousand-word essay touting the benefits of organic spirulina, and the fortunate coincidence of you selling the “best” brand in your online store. Guess what, fuckface? Infomercials have been pulling that same con long since before you learned to shit your diapers, so do me a favour, and fuck off.
Reason the Fourth — About the Author
10 Tips on Building a Successful Marriage, written by some twat who mentions in the first line of her bio that she’s the proud mom of two dogs. Hmm, lemme take a wild guess here Angie — there ain’t no weddin’ ring hangin’ off your finger. If your fabulous marriage wasn’t worthy of noting to readers — the people wondering if they should put any faith into your bullshit — perhaps time to focus your “love of writing” on topics you have a little more experience with. How about The Top Ten Ways of Determining Why Your Life is a Total Failure, or 5 Tips for Breastfeeding Chihuahuas.
Reason the Third — An Obvious Lack of References
Who the hell made you king-shit to determine what ranks highest in any given category? Where are you sourcing this? Was there some kind of world-wide vote I missed out on, one only you had secret access to the results of? Why did reason 11 get left on the scrap heap over reason 10? Was it months and months of research that allowed you to compile this ultimate list, or was it half a bottle of tequila last night that provided your confidence to print your bullshit authoritative drivel?
Fuck you, Douchebag!
Reason the Second — Advertising
Here’s a good one — 10 Ways to Spend Your Money Wisely, with an advertisement linked to Amazon between each paragraph. Just a quick question here, Hemingway — how far up your ass is your head currently stuffed? That’s a topic I’d be far more interested to read about, not the copy and paste shit you put together between phone calls to mommy asking her to lend you a few bucks to cover your rent.
Reason the First — Honesty
You won’t find too much of it out there, but you’ll sure as hell get a good dose of it here. It’s easy for me to spot a douchebag for one simple reason — I’m a douchebag. I walketh in the same shoes. And when it comes to writing a list of The Top 5 Ways to Determine if a Top 10 List Was Written by a Douchebag, I believe I’ve now violated them all, solidifying my douchiness. If you seek legitimate advice, forget the pompous rhetoric of bullshit experts — track down an honest professional like me. You’ll sleep better at night, knowing your faith has been placed in good hands, no matter how sticky they may be.
About Michael Ciupka:
Michael, a published author and creator of the BonerFruit blog, has been compiling know-it-all, bullshit philosophy for a solid year now, pumping out some of the stupidest and inane babble the internet community cares nothing about. His commitment to writing “Daily Bread” has produced more worthless puns than a lobotomized Stephen Wright. His new book, Original Sin, will continue enforcing his legacy of total obscurity. Michael secretly wishes the world would fuck off and die — one of his many poor strategies to acquire fame and fortune. Subscribe to his work at Bonerfruit.com, and you’ll always have the satisfaction of deleting something mindless from your inbox. He also loves cats.