Upgrayedd. The two “D’s” are for a double dose of pimpin’…

Original Sin is getting closer each day, but there’s still a pile of artwork and editing to do. A few snippets have snuck their way into Daily Bread, and my skill working with ink and a crow quill pen are rapidly improving, despite my initial fears of being a total fucking hack. I still am a hack, don’t get me wrong, but no longer a “total fucking hack.”

Two more illustrations have been completed today, but the realization I haven’t put out a blog post in a while just hit, so I’m taking a break for a few hours to share an unexpected story.

Maybe the best way to start is with some typical philosophic diatribe…

When you’re on the fence with everything in life, the Universe tends to sense your hesitation, and leaves you and your balls straddling the cedar planks you’ve mounted until you make a decision to hop one way or other. When you make a commitment to go all in, and take concrete action along your chosen path, unexpected opportunities seem to magically begin popping up, as if God were sayin’ to you, “What the fuck were you waitin’ for, dude, you know I got your back!”

I’ve decided to stay put for the winter instead of travelling. For a few reasons:

  1. It’s a good chance to put a couple bucks away working a job I don’t entirely hate. Until my genius at BonerFruit becomes a worldwide sensation (insert bloated-head emoticon here), the only practical way I can save money is through traditional slave-labour.
  2. My bosses are awesome, and if I told them I was leaving next month, they’d either:
    A. Try to drug me and chain me to the grill so escape would be impossible, or
    B. Threaten the guilt of having their suicides on my head because the business wouldn’t survive without me. I truly am awesome at what I do (insert bloated-head emoticon here).
  3. I can get ahead on the boat renovations necessary to fulfill my plan of Operation Freedom (aka Operation Nutjob, Operation I Don’t Know What I’m Doing, and Operation Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind Sailing Around the World, Mike?)

As soon as I made the decision to stay, doors quickly began opening. A short conversation with a buddy lined me up with a room for 300 bucks a month. Not a freebie like the Benmiller Days, but a kick-ass score nonetheless. Inclusive Wi-Fi, utilities, washer/dryer access, and a 10-minute walk to work will unfold just nicely as my boat prepares to sadly leave the water.

But the sadder note about my boat has to do with us parting ways forever. The renovations I envisioned will not come to fruition. The good ol’ Universe threw another bone my way, one I could not resist gnawing on like a mangy, starved doggy…

My buddy approached me last week with a 3-way deal. A co-worker of his was looking to dump his boat to avoid unwanted lift-out and storage fees. The vessel in question, built by the good ol’ boys in Nova Scotia, is a slightly older craft than what I currently call home, but far more solid structurally, and in need of much less work to go ocean-bound. It was built by people who get their asses pounded by the sea. (Note to self, write ocean-sodomy joke in future Daily Bread)

There’s much work to still do on it, but the deck and hull are solid as fuck, with a roomier layout, and a shitload of storage space. By next spring, I can have an electric drive installed, and do much of the renos while on the water, putting me way farther ahead in my whacky plans than I envisioned.

The deal was simple — my buddy buys the boat, I give him all the hardware and rigging currently on mine (we own sister ships), and in turn, he gives me a free boat.

Not too shabby, eh?

I found a scrapper who’ll take away my hull for free (he wants the lead in the keel), so I only get dinged with a second lift-out fee of 350 bucks at the end of the day to own a new floating home.


In an interesting twist, the boat is called Big Bird, painted bright yellow. I can’t help but look at it like a giant banana — you might even call it boner fruit, if you had a shallow, phallically obsessed mind like my own…

An auspicious sign? Time will tell. But for now, my dream of cruising the world is alive and thriving.

Much work to do, but let’s rehash a fitting Pablo Picasso quote again to end this piece:

Inspiration exists. But it has to find you working.

Multitasking is a term we’re all familiar with, but it’s a philosophy that always leaves us failing at something. Dedicating yourself to the thing you hold dearest is the fastest way to realize your potential.

Sorry, mom, I’ll get your book edited real soon, promise.

Gotta go do a few more stupid drawings today, and ponder being tossed mercilessly in the ocean like a rag doll because I have no practical skills to serve my ridiculous dreams.

Original Sin will hit the shelves by Christmas. This I guarantee. And Big Boner Bird will hit the water again next summer, filled with new twists, turns, and surprises.

Stay tuned homies, the stupidity is just ramping up…

[Completely random update proof-reading old material]

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