Month: March 2020

Divide and Conquer, Part 3: Excerpt from Original Sin

There are believers, and there are disbelievers. Open-mindedness is not an option to choose from. You’re either with us, or you’re with them. Pick your side, and let the animosity unfold exactly as intended.

I won’t sit here and tell you fairies are real, because I’ve never seen one. But when I hear descriptions of half-man/half-horse creatures, and witness structures such as the Great Pyramid, knowing our best modern architects can’t come close to recreating such a monument, or even move the impossibly heavy monoliths lying half-finished in quarries, despite access to the most cutting-edge cranes devised by genius engineers, it’s easy enough for my mind to consider the possibility of advanced races existing before us, ones with an unnatural penchant for genetic engineering to create Minotaurs and Mermaids, and the skill to move rocks with sound frequency or some other “magic.” The reach is rather effortless, but you’ll never find me running around decrying “I believe in centaurs.” Unless I’ve experienced it first hand, it’s theory to me — but always worthy of unbiased investigation.

Continue reading Divide and Conquer, Part 3: Excerpt from Original Sin

Divide and Conquer, Part 2: Excerpt From Original Sin

Fear stimulates our animal instincts to survive at any cost, and our innate tendencies to find balance and harmony on this magical planet become repressed, forgotten, and morphed into a consumptive disregard for all other situations that might inconvenience our immediate gratifications.

We’re shitting where we eat, and no one thinks twice about it. We dump garbage and toxic waste into the waters that sustain our flesh — because it’s a quick and convenient way to flush the by-products of our unsustainable and abominable practices — then introduce a brand new plethora of chemicals into the mix to declare our taps safe again, further toxifying our already overburdened livers.

Fuck me.

Continue reading Divide and Conquer, Part 2: Excerpt From Original Sin

Divide and Conquer, Part 1: Excerpt From Original Sin

It would be a lovely thing to have an accurate history of humanity inked on papyrus, etched in metal, or carved into rock. But no such markings exist — at least none that aren’t under lock and key in the Vatican, or hidden under the Sphinx.

We grew up accepting the fairytales of evolution or creationism that gave us anecdotal grounding for our journey through life, but those lessons of origin never got thoroughly scrutinized in our elementary schooling. Modern scholastic guidance is more centred on training younglings to be effective soldier ants — productive members of whatever collective they were born into — not philosophers or dreamers.

Continue reading Divide and Conquer, Part 1: Excerpt From Original Sin

BonerFruit: A Special Message to Readers Regarding Covid-19

To Our Valued Subscribers and World-community,

Amidst the chaos and worry of the coronavirus (Covid-19), we here at BonerFruit want to assure you that your health is, and will always be, of utmost importance to us. We share in the concerns and uncertainty of humanity’s latest pandemic and pending economic doom, and will continue to serve Canadians and the world in steps to support family, friends, and community during these highly difficult times.

To minimize the wildfire spread of this deadly and heartless micro-assassin, all keyboards inputting even the smallest contribution toward the BonerFruit brand will be thoroughly sanitized every hour, on the hour, without exception, using government-approved disinfectant chemicals, regardless of their toxicity or damaging long-term health effects.

All BonerFruit contributors will wear no less than 6-pairs of gloves while using a keyboard. The surface of each set of gloves donned will be thoroughly treated, using approved sanitization techniques, before the next pair is put on. The touching of anything other than a sterile keyboard (e.g. face, hair, doorhandle, toothbrush, toilet, crotch, etc.) will immediately negate safe operating procedure, and warrant implementation of 6-glove replacement protocol,* which will remain in effect for every 15-minutes of keyboard time, regardless of sterility violations.

Though mandatory removal of all body hair and hourly exfoliation is not yet being enforced, we urge our contributors to voluntarily consider this common-sense initiative to reduce the risk and spread of Covid-19. Surgical masks, hair-nets, and beard-nets are mandatory within 6 feet of BonerFruit related keyboards.

Any BonerFruit contributor showing signs of symptoms or illness will self-quarantine, without exception, until one of the following scenarios unfolds:

A. The end of the worldwide pandemic
B. Death.

During downtime between writing sessions, all contributors to BonerFruit will maintain strict adherence to the following safety measures:

  1. Hand sanitization, using government-approved cleansing agents, every 8 minutes.
  2. Minimum 6-foot distancing (20-feet preferred) from all potential human/animal pathogen carriers
  3. 48 showers/day, using government-approved cleansing agents
  4. Celibacy and/or abstenstion from masturbation, including all forms of genital fondling/handling without proper safety gear (e.g. gloves, tongs, etc.)

While many key services (critical in supporting the health and mental well-being of society) have been suspended indefinitely, the essential service of alcohol vending/distribution has not, and will never be, affected by this world-wide plague, so we urge all our Bonerfruit contributors to continue remaining blitzed during their writing sessions, in order to stay numb to the fact society has lost its collective fucking mind.

To Your Safety and Health,

Michael Ciupka,
President and CGFYOO,
BonerFruit

Fun in the Madhouse

Okay, so the motherfuckers finally closed my little gym. Considering I’ve never been in the room with more than 3 people working out at a time, I can’t for the life of me figure out how this helps curtail the spread of a disease that absolutely no one seems to have in this stupid, paranoid, shithole town.

With that meaningless closure, I’m now left with nary an outlet from the confines of my shabby hovel, the place where my roommate is imprisoned as well, already stir-crazy from boredom.

Although I’ve asked him roughly 43,000 times to never mention the news or media again, he just can’t help himself when another absurd headline pings his phone.

Continue reading Fun in the Madhouse

Fuck You Society

I find venting to be a healthy thing. Instead of letting emotional toxins fester in the mind, heart and soul, you let ’em loose, be done with them, then move on to find solutions. Right now I have so much scathing shit I want to pump out, I don’t know where to fucking start.

But mulling it over in my head, I realize maybe it’s pointless.

Continue reading Fuck You Society