Fun in the Madhouse

Okay, so the motherfuckers finally closed my little gym. Considering I’ve never been in the room with more than 3 people working out at a time, I can’t for the life of me figure out how this helps curtail the spread of a disease that absolutely no one seems to have in this stupid, paranoid, shithole town.

With that meaningless closure, I’m now left with nary an outlet from the confines of my shabby hovel, the place where my roommate is imprisoned as well, already stir-crazy from boredom.

Although I’ve asked him roughly 43,000 times to never mention the news or media again, he just can’t help himself when another absurd headline pings his phone.

So before the internet starts browning out (from excessive bandwidth-use by jerkoffs streaming every mindless thing on Netflix to keep their jailed brains numb), let’s have a look at some of the more ridiculous headlines and quotes Johnny’s shared with me recently, despite my threat of jamming a knife in his throat if he ever mentions [the condition that shall not be named] again…

“Police ask people to stop committing crimes.”

Wow, finally a foolproof strategy to end illegal behaviour! The conversation probably went something like: “Hey, Captain Dave, I just had a smashing idea! Instead of roaming the streets trying to catch people breaking the law, let’s just ask them, really, really nicely, with sugar on top, to stop being bad. That’ll totally work!”

In a couple related stories, garbage collectors urged people to stop generating waste, and doctors appealed to the public to stop getting sick.

“In order to combat spread of [the condition that shall not be named], prisoners are being released from jail.”

Holy fuck, more unbridled genius! You can’t have sequestered people with no outside contact to the free world remain in a group of 50 or more during this time of crisis! A much finer idea to allow these individuals (the ones with no regard for rules of society) free to roam the streets, in the hope they self-confine once loose. If prizes could be given out for genius, Warden Dave would definitely get my vote.

“Yes, the flu is actually responsible for more deaths than [the condition that shall not be named], but it’s far too contagious to contain by sequestering people.”

Oh, okay, gotcha. Deadlier bugs, that are far more virulent, are nothing to be concerned with, but make sure you don’t come within six feet of another human while you feel the need to hoard macaroni and cheese at the fucking Walmart.

How do you fucking assholes actually put this shit in print with a straight face?

“Coronavirus conference cancelled due to coronavirus.”

Fuck, didn’t see that one coming. Is it possible we’ve had a vaccine all this time but the announcement got quarantined?

“What did Spock find in the bathroom?”

The Captain’s log.

Yeah, that wasn’t a headline, but Johnny’s so freakin’ bored now he turned on the original Star Trek series to watch. God help me. And, a second ago, he just blurted out a rather foreboding query…

“Hey Mike, what if we go crazy and kill each other?”

Uhh, okay… maybe I need a lock on my bedroom door after all. I can already foresee a scenario where I wake up in the middle of the night to find Johnny looming over my bed…

Me: “What the fuck are you doing?”

Johnny: “Watching you sleep.”


I’ll have to wait for more material, because, although it’s only 8:30 in the morning, Johnny’s already passed out. I guess unconsiousness is preferable to enduring William Shatner dressed in space pyjamas.

As for me, I’m kinda lovin’ this — a chance to sit down, relax from the burger-flipping routine, and continue working on a new book.

If society wants to implode because it’s too stupid to exist without being shepherded by corrupt government and media, so be it.

I’m gonna roll with it, with a big smile on my face.

Chat later, dear diary…

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