Amidst the ever-burgeoning fears surrounding COVID-19, the BonerFruit website has found itself inundated with queries that are beyond this moderator’s capacity to deal with on an efficient, one-on-one basis. Although BonerFruit will continue doing its best to address reader concerns during these difficult, uncertain times, the following “Frequently Asked Questions” are intended to ease the burden of personal discourse. If you do not find a relevant solution to your current dilemma within this post, please be patient awaiting direct response. BonerFruit is here for you.
Hi BonerFruit,
William Davis here. I’m a jack of all trades, and I’m still doing my best to find gigs instead of taking a handout from our newly realized communist government — you know, the one that always said it was too “broke” to properly support community programs, subsidize dental care, or provide a living wage to the millions struggling in poverty. But now I can’t even find a pack of simple face-masks to keep my lungs safe from drywall dust, paint-spray, or whatever else, because every asshole under the sun thinks a cloth mask will actually filter out microscopic viruses while they stand in line at the Giant Tiger filling their shopping carts with macaroni and cheese and 48-packs of Charmin. Fuck me. Need advice!
Bill
Dear Billybob,
Stop being a fucking antagonist! No one likes a rebel. While you might think that continuing to work your trade is noble, all it does is put us all at risk, you monster. Quit your job and join the herd. It won’t be long before standing in bread-lines, or attending forced vaccination clinics will feel as normal as eating a slice of mom’s store-bought apple pie. Your business and way of life are already dead — you’re just too stubborn to realize. So stop fighting the system and learn to conform, you whiny bitch.
If you’re hellbent on entrepreneurial pursuits, I would suggest emulating a proven model — hoard shit! Give ’em a taste of what it’s like to be without a necessity you depend on. Go empty the shelves of adult diapers, toothpaste, deodorant, and tampons. Drive around town and scoop up every item those insensitive assholes stole from you, and perhaps they’ll learn an appreciation for shit they’ve always taken for granted.
Once the aisles are bare, start up a little Kijiji business, or maybe even open a shop selling it all back to them at a significant markup. You could be known as the Tampon King! Prolly a great way to meet some fine ladies too, wink, wink.
Here’s a sample logo to get you started:
Much Love,
Mikey
Dear BonerFruit,
Need help. Although I hate my parents, they’re really old. I should probably make amends with them before the Four Horsemen begin riding. But how do I visit them, knowing I’ll assuredly contaminate them with COVID-19, despite being asymptomatic? What should I do?
Dusty
Dear Dusty,
Visit them. Greet them both in a great big embrace while saying your sorries and telling them you love them, then slowly work your hugging arms up toward their necks, and continue squeezing till their tongues protrude like a dying Jabba the Hutt. When the arm flailing and twitching ceases, and their withered bodies crumple to the floor, you’ll know it’s time to drive back to Utah.
Sending them to the afterlife on your own terms is a much wiser move than allowing them to suffer from killer-diarrhea-disease, or whatever it is they’re afflicted with that forced them to buy all that toilet paper. Don’t worry about cops or an investigation. No matter what people die of these days, it’s always attributed to coronavirus. Don’t matter if you got stage-4 cancer, full-blown AIDS, or a knife sticking out your throat. If your corpse indicates even the slightest trace of COVID-19 — despite the use of a highly dubious and flawed testing procedure — then that’s what obviously killed you.
Do the right thing — end their suffering, and send them to Valhalla. Jesus would’ve done the same.
You’re a true Humanitarian,
Love,
Mike
Greetings Michael,
So frustrated! I tried buying some stuff at the ValueMart, but the cashier told me in the rudest way possible that paying with cash is “unsafe.” She refused my purchase because I didn’t have my debit card with me. I went back to the store a week later to knife her, but now she’s hiding behind a plastic shield like she’s the fucking pope or something! What do I do?
Yosemite.
Dear Yosemite,
If you really wanna fuck her up, just sneeze, because that plastic shield won’t do fuck all to protect her from the black plague you carry. You can also try to lick her fingers as she wipes down the debit machine. Save your knife for something important, like widdling stick figures of assholes who believe the media tells the truth.
Happy Carving,
BonerFruit
Dear Bonerfruit,
I was walking my dog today, and someone came within six feet of me. Am I going to die?
Margaret.
Dear Maggie,
Yes, you are going to die. Not from a virus, but because you are too stupid to live.
Say hi to Sir Barxalot for me!
Miguel
Dear BonerFruit,
I used to spend my life minimizing the impact I had on this planet by curtailing the use of plastic and non-biodegradables, but I need to change my latex gloves 13 times a day to prevent disease! Where can I dispose of this material in a manner that subjugates my carbon footprint?
Your help is appreciated,
Jasmine
,
Dear Jazzy,
You should jam that shit straight up your fucking wazoo! I’m shocked you haven’t figured out by now that the human body is the greatest natural composter on the planet. I’ll give you a bonus tip as well — you can ingest disposable face-masks as a calorie-free, late-night snack! The fibre is unparalleled to help your intestinal tract move the processed, toxic food you swallow on a daily basis while binge-watching shitty sitcoms during your self-imposed, paranoid quarantine. Who knows, it may even aid in flushing your head from your fucking ass!
Always remember to chew thoroughly!
BonerFruit
Dear BonerFruit,
Is murder still a crime?
Francis
Dear Francis,
Technically, yes, but the true crimes being committed on a daily basis are far more heinous than taking the life of another human being. There are people out there right now sunbathing in parks. There are people reading books for hours on end at the beach. There are savages out there gathering together in groups of 5 or more. Fucking 5 or more! Somedays I feel disgusted to be a member of this species.
Although I would never advocate murder, I feel compelled to let you know that incarceration is a thing of the past. Although much of the general public has idiotically chosen to abide by local governmental recommendations to self-isolate for weeks on end, it has become apparent that sequestering in an isolated building is a violation of WHO protocols, hence the need to release thousands of lawbreakers from prison back into the general populace, their grievances forgotten. So even if a virtual judge ever lays a sentence upon you in a future Facetime chat, worry not. Prison gates are more akin to revolving doors now than barricades.
Hope that helps, psycho,
Mikey
Dear Boner Guy,
I need to pick up a few items at my local supermarket, but the thought of starving to death is almost preferable to ever entering that shit-hole building again. Jesus, they have fucking one-way arrows going down the aisles now, WTF! Some mask-wearing fossil called me out on “going against traffic and putting lives at risk” in the condiment section. All I wanted was some fucking spicy mustard! I’m losing my shit. Help!
Richard Pound
Dear Dick,
Don’t sweat it. Those fuckwads are so completely paranoid and hypochondriacal that they’ll actually die from their own fear before any “malevolent” bacteria even has a chance to attack their shitty, processed-food decimated immune systems. Just wait ’em out. In six months time, it’ll be just you, me, and a cashier wearing a Haz-Mat suit. We won’t even give a fuck walking down the 12-items-or-less-lane holding 13 fucking bananas. Be patient, Mother Earth is weeding her garden.
Eternal love,
BonerFruit
Dear BonerFruit,
I’m bored, stir-crazy, and trapped. But now I can’t even walk down the street anymore without feeling uncomfortable. Sidewalks these days are like wild-west showdowns. You know that moment where you make eye contact with someone turning a corner 20 feet ahead, and notice a slight, but definitely perceptible pause in their gait when they catch sight of you? Yeah, another game of chicken is about to ensue. Will they turn around, cross the street, or step off the sidewalk? (if they still have the guts to pass you by, that is) I hate it. How do I handle this?
Dave Horienge, Ph.D.
Dear Davey,
In this situation, simply imagine yourself as a young Clint Eastwood. When you lock eyes with the approaching cumstain, plant your feet firmly on the ground, arms to the side, and give your hands a quick shake, like you’re loosening them up to grab your six-shooters. Then proceed aggressively in their direction. If the asshat wants to cross the street or step off the sidewalk to avoid you, that’s a good thing. They’ll be so obsessed with avoiding an imaginary plague that they won’t notice stepping in front of oncoming traffic. Getting crushed by a 2-tonne vehicle is a far less painless exit from this life than dealing with the unnerving possibility of getting cold or flu-like symptoms for a week.
Mikey
Dear BonerFruit,
I tried reading a book today during day 9 of my 14-day, self-imposed lockdown (I’m not ill, but I refuse to put anyone else at risk during these uncertain and difficult times), but all I could think about was turning on the TV, or checking my iPhone, to get an update on how horrible the latest death count from COVID-19 has become. Do you have any suggestions to keep my mind off this devastating world-event?
Tracy
Hi Tracy,
Yes I do! Try clamping a couple terminals from a fully-charged car battery directly to your nipples! The pain and horror you experience standing in front of your fucking Prius will forever dismiss your delusional concern over dying from H1N1, SARS, MERS, ZIKA, EBOLA, or whatever other pandemic-de-jour the media wants to foist upon you. I guarantee!
Hugs and kisses babe, you electrify me!
Mike
Dear BonerFruit,
I know my neighbours well, and I like the family, but the 12 of them have been living in that house unchecked by medical professionals since the start of this horrible plague. Should I report them to the police?
Confused,
Rhonda N.
Dear Rhonda,
Fucking right you should call these pricks out! They’re incubating millions of pathogens every second they spend together! Imagine what would happen if they stepped into their private backyard to feed a squirrel or bird with sunflower seeds passed from their nasty, germ-laden hands! The fate of the world is balanced on the edge of a knife, and these savages are spreading disease like hookers at an AIDS convention. Regardless of them being family, they should be separated indefinitely, from humanity and one another, without pity, mercy, or hesitation. Call the COVID police. It’s your fucking duty.
Mike
P.S. Don’t let your cat out!
BonerFruit will continue responding to personal queries as necessary. Much safety and love to you and your families in these desperate, trying, and troubling times.
M. Ciupka
The BonerFruit Blog