JustinJurgy — Part 1

As a witty, genius, mega-handsome blogger — someone unafraid to share personal stories, or call out the douchebags of society for being the spineless bitches they are — I’ve found myself inundated with a burgeoning influx of spammers and advertisers who all want a slice of the Mikey Pie.

Now of course you don’t have to be as wonderfully popular as I am to be flooded by spam. If you have an e-mail address you regularly check, there’ll never be a day you don’t receive an unsolicited piece of shit from some asshole who bought your name off a mailing list. If the trillions of dollars dumped into ad campaigns were used for the greater good of humanity, instead of being funnelled into a nefarious, parasitic quest to separate you from your hard-earned slave dollars, well, our planet would be a much more wonderful place. But don’t quote me on that.

As long as we keep buying their shit, they’ll keep finding new ways to manipulate our fears and emotions. I’ll bet dollars to donuts that at this very moment some fuckface is aggressively marketing a cutting-edge, designer, anti-corona facemask that you and your loved ones “just can’t live without!” But don’t be fooled by the 5 filtration settings and aromatherapy-capable options. I can almost guarantee it’ll still be a fucking piece of cloth that won’t fare any better curtailing the black plague than the 50-cent drywall mask you picked up standing in an hour-long line at the fucking Costco.

But our story today isn’t about charlatans or corporate giants intent on fucking you up your financial ass, it’s about an accidental discovery I made while weeding out my BonerFruit inbox of the daily rubbish I receive.

Yesterday, a message caught my attention that was too intriguing to ignore. “Intriguing” prolly ain’t the right word, but gimme a second to explain…

It’s absurd to think that everyone on this planet should be fluent in English. Hell, most of the people I know who’ve grown up in Canada can’t truthfully claim as much. So when I received this message, obviously filtered through a translation program, I didn’t immediately discount it. In fact, through careful analysis, I surmised something greater was on the horizon. And although past experience dictated that clicking on a suspect website might be an unwise decision, and likely flood my laptop with crippling viruses (the electronic kind, not the bullshit fake corona version), I impetuously rolled the dice, and found myself in a world of unexpected insight I knew would have to be shared, not only with my band of followers on BonerFruit, but all planetary life.

So let’s now introduce JustinJurgy, and his WordPress blog that will eventually become the gold standard for social interaction.

The post today is merely an introduction, dissecting JJ’s inaugural communication. A firm foundation is paramount to expansion. Upon this rock, I shall build thine church.

Subsequent chapters will follow, as we learn all about the psychological nuances relevant to hooking up with women of different cultures.

The original message as it appeared, verbatim, is in italic.
Reverse engineered, BonerFruit translation in [bold text].

Name: JustinJurgy

Email: [withheld, to protect a marginal intelligence]

Website: [withheld, to protect the bait-clicking reckless]

Message: Wellington speed internet dating

[Translation: Greetings! I am the proprietor of a fabulous new business that will make random dating a thing of the past, by matching singles to their soulmates in a painless process known as Wellington Speed Dating (WSD)!]

thinking about inflamed which has unnecessary swiping an internet-based talks which go nowhere? beautifully, Nothin is better than meeting someone personally in different very lazy destination. Wellington schedule dating is a cool off and very good way to pay fun and elegant folk.

[Translation: Is your thumb sore from swiping to the right every time you see a fat chick pop up on Tinder? You don’t have to succumb to Americanized dating services to meet the woman of your dreams. WSD is a user-friendly, casual interface for single males willing to trade money for sex with classy or mature women.

Visualization works:

[Translation: Imagine the possibilites!]

by may possibly 30, will undoubtedly be website hosting their second will certainly occasion in brand-new wedding venuw the main business! in that large period, this destined to be much better to hear those types good chats! the game a similar winning framework, with daters trading people about 5 minute date ranges perfect up until virtually all people have went out with. you merely go all these you just as in a scorecard. in the mail, will let you know who you equalled using e mail.

[Translation: Sometime toward the end of May, WSD will definitely host their second annual, live-streaming “Meet Me and Marry Me” event. In a proven strategy that pairs partners for life, WSD participants will have 5 FULL MINUTES to question every potential soulmate in attendance. Each performance scorecard submitted to WSD will be entered into our advanced supercomputer. At an unknown later date, WSD will mail you a handwritten letter with the results our computer e-mails to us.]

Also contains tag any snacks within a break how to impress a russian girl and the trick WSD shock (for people who have no more before you know critical that may be)!

[Translation: Tired of eating nachos alone? WSD offers an exclusive course entitled “Electroshock Therapy — How to Change Your Brain to Impress the Russian Girl of Your Dreams!” Over 5,000 satisfied customers can’t be wrong!]

pc priced is the best way to ensure you have on miss out as data are really poor. on top of that a cheaper price compared to russian singles stroll using worth.

[Translation: Guaranteed* lowest rates to meet single Russian Girls!
(*not guaranteed)] 

highly recommended gets older: males and females 22 35, n’ age group ranges,ageing constrain because friendships! Remember case the typical age ranges we get at times we are able to a concept of what you should expect! We enjoy all ages.

[Translation: Must be 18 or older.]

disclaimer: WSD is progressing by no means process responsibility about longterm romantic relationships of having its offerings, none your partnerships that might result of using its services.

[Translation: WSD is not liable for partnerships that result in stabbings.]


Up next:

JustinJurgy Part 2: Russian Dating Tips

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