What the Hell is Pre-board? To Get On Before You Get On?

Okay, weirdos, time once again to play my favourite philosophical game…
It’s called:


(insert stupid Marvel graphic here to keep humans-with-short-attention-spans amused before too many paragraphs inundate their feeble brains…)

Alright, ready??


One day you awoke suddenly in a hospital bed, and the “medical professional” standing by your side declared:

“We have diagnosed you with AMNESIA! But since our latest, “state-of-the-art” testing protocols have shown you to be healthier than a Kentucky-winning thoroughbred, our HMO has suggested you don your tattered clothes and leave the premises as quickly as possible. A steady stream of new clientele desperately awaits a plethora of more advanced toxic treatments than your insurance-bereft ass can afford. This ain’t no flophouse! We’re here to make money, bitch, not cater to mentally deranged vagabonds like yourself. Get the fuck out!”


So now you’ve just been discharged from the only institution most likely to shed light on your memory-loss condition, leaving you up to your own devices to ascertain just what the fuck to do next.

So what’s your next move? Should be fairly obvious, no?

Determine your name… Why? So you can determine…

Where you live… Why? So you can determine…

Where you’re from… Why? So you can determine…

Who you truly are… Why?? So you can determine…


Without that rudimentary insight at hand, how can one possibly make an intelligent, informed decision about what to do next?

The sad part is, we spend our entire lives in this very state of ignorance.

“Advanced” civilization is basically an intentional, collectively chosen form of amnesia. Any ideas or theories of our origin, not written in the official “history” books, are dismissed with prejudice. Any ideas that don’t conform with science or religion are labelled ludicrous, nonsensical, and very likely the work of a subversive, racist, tinfoilhat-wearing domestic terrorist.

You’ve been given two choices to make sense of the human condition:

  1. You are the product of random, mechanical fluke — a great explosion that occurred a zillion years ago, but instead of creating greater chaos (you know, like every explosion that’s ever occurred, EVER!), it somehow brought about order and coherence.
  2. You are the product of an angry dude with a white beard who lives in the clouds. He loves you unconditionally, but doesn’t mind watching your ass burn for eternity if you piss him off, or make him feel insecure by not loving him the most.

All other clues or insight into our origin are shunted into a category called “pre-history.” That’s the epoch spanning the inception of the Universe to the dawn of our unprecedented modernity. That’s the era no one gives a flying fuck about because we were slope-headed, knuckle-dragging savages, incapable of creativity or advanced thought. Kindly ignore any existential anomalies that’ve been uncovered from that time period, because going against the official narrative makes you a psychopath. You want to be normal, right? RIGHT???

So what occurred before the so-called dawn of civilization?

I’ll make an educated guess…

Humans weren’t savages. Humans didn’t steal, murder, kill, or rape each other for bigger huts or bitches with the hairiest tits. They lived in balance, like all creatures on the planet.

I’m not saying it was some kind of perfect utopia — humans did what they had to do to survive, like all animals. But they didn’t systematically wipe out competing systems with malice to achieve totalitarian control or political advantage. Bison, wolves, elk, rodents, insects, you name it — all victims of mass cullings performed by self-righteous douchebags to secure dominance over hunter/gatherer tribes, and/or the poor, lowly creatures who didn’t play ball with man’s attempt to dominate God.

It wasn’t until our so-called “Agricultural Revolution” that everything took a dump for the worse. That’s the same revolution which made us “civilized,” and also brought with it perpetually escalating war/violence/intolerance, decimation of natural habitats and resources, rampant poisonings, rampant plagues, an endless supply of toxic food/goods/materials, ever-burgeoning moral depravity, and, ironically, thousands of mass starvation events.

Think about that for a bit before you marvel at how quickly your iPhone, built by slaves in China, can pull up a Wikipedia search to set the record straight, and refute anything and everything I’ve mentioned. What a glorious age we live in!!

Totalitarian agriculture has allowed us to crushingly squeeze into ever tighter urban centres that leave us dependent upon a food supply disseminated from a destructive industry that uses chemicals to rejuvenate decimated topsoil, antibiotics to prevent the collapse of livestock, and an endless plethora of pesticides and toxins to keep their flimsy house of cards precariously balanced for at least another week.

I find it incredibly ironic that animals can move freely across the land at will. They survive on wild food, build homes whenever and wherever they choose, and give nary a fuck about acquiring paper dollars nor RRSP’s.

But us humans? Well…

We’re prisoners on our own planet — the most “evolved” species ever, relegated to hamsters running on brand-name wheels in open-air pens… and we accept this as normal.

Consider how fucked up this next scenario is…

Geese fly unrestrictedly 24/7 back and forth across imaginary lines separating this land from that land… my country from your country… our stuff from your stuff. But if you put a goose in the backseat of your car and try to cross a border, well… you do the math. I guarantee the minimum-wage flunky at the checkpoint, holding an automatic weapon, ain’t gonna be smilin’ perty in your direction…

It’s more than just willful amnesia we’re engaged in — it’s fucking insanity, plain and simple.

I don’t have the answers to why we’re here, what consciousness is, or how life in the cosmos is possible, but whenever I seek the closest approximation to Universal Truth, I turn to Mother Nature. And the farther away from an urban centre I am when I do that, the more revealing Her answers become.

How strange that our cutting-edge societies have become systematically divorced from living in harmony with the natural world. Just an accident? I have my doubts…

Praise Jesus for smartphone apps that can show us the night sky from the comfort of our couches! Praise Allah for the mass-produced pills that Big Pharma patents by changing a random molecule on a plant found easily in the wild! And praise Buddha for teaching us that spiritual enlightenment is nothing more than a Tik-Tok swipe away!

Science and religion are two sides of the same charlatan coin. If they could stop comparing dick size for even a moment, and actually live up to the grandiose tenets they profess to care so much about, there’s a good possibility the blinkered masses would awake from their hypnotic slumber overnight.

A grand architectural idea exists behind the wondrous mathematical structure intrinsic to this reality. The engine running your car has the same inherent quality as the pebble that turns into a 30-foot oak — intelligent design.

If we can put our smartphones down for even half an hour as a species, and stop buying every piece-of-shit deal proffered by Amazon, perhaps, just perhaps, we may wake up from this nightmare called “advanced civilization,” and start treating each other like brothers and sisters again.

I call shotgun, bitches.

(Haha, sibling joke. Take the front seat bro! I love the back of the bus…)

What's on your mind?