I’m a big fan of living in the moment.
I do my best to not think about what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened if I made different decisions. I do my best to not obsess over pondering why I chose the left path versus the right.
But, I’ll honestly admit that, despite my grandest efforts, I’m still an emotional junkie invested in Planet Stupid just like everyone else.
I ordered a Buddhist box of Enlightenment from Amazon 5 years ago, but I guess the delivery truck broke down somewhere on the highway, cuz I’m still waiting… and also a little pissed I don’t have a package slip and UPC code to get a refund. Fuck you, Amazon!
Perspective is a cool thing, though.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about bitterness over shit that’s done and said. I don’t give a fuck about that. So let’s get to the point here already….
I can rattle off childhood phone numbers and addresses faster than a 6-year-old Chinese math prodigy calculating Pi to 40 decimal places.
But I have no clue where my car keys are.
My roommate can tell me who won the World Series from 1982 to 1990 without the slightest hesitation.
But he has no clue where he left his beer that he just cracked open 30 seconds earlier.
I have more examples, but I can’t remember them…
Our cutting-edge tech has made us stupid. Like, REALLY FUCKING STUPID! If I accidentally dropped my Android smart machine into the lake while sailing, I’d have no way to ever contact my mom again. I have no clue what her phone number is, the street she lives on, or what postal code Amazon delivers her parcels to. Fuck you, Amazon!
So I’m taking back humanity one step at a time. Starting with this…
No more fucking texting!
The protocol is simple…
I call you, or you call me. If you don’t answer, you’re either busy, or don’t want to talk. If I don’t answer, I’m either busy, or don’t want to talk.
That’s kinda how it worked in the past when landlines were a thing.
[Editor’s Note: Mike is not focused on obsolete technology, he just enjoys the fax]
AND NEVER SEND ME TIKTOK CLIPS OF CATS JUMPING ON TINFOIL. I FUCKING HATE THAT!
You know what I really miss? Calling someone on a phone and getting a busy signal. Then calling back 10 minutes later and still getting a busy signal.
You know why I like that?
Because I imagine they’ve got better conversations going on in their life, with no need to listen to my bullshit.
My text is off the hook.
Beep, Beep, Beep
If you wanna have a heart-to-heart, call me.
Oh fuck, I just dropped my phone in the toilet.
Does anyone have rice? DM me