Shut the Fuck Up, Dave!

Every 3 years I have to pay some faceless corporate gatekeeper an inappropriate amount of money to renew my domain for the “privilege” of a platform that doesn’t have to cater to the whims of random advertisements or draconian “Community Guidelines” policed by asinine algorithms.

Sure, I could have started a ShitTube/BitchChute/FaceFuck channel years ago to sell a few books and share the whacked-out ideas rollin’ around in my brain, but at what cost? Self-censoring is about the stupidest thing I could imagine to share a message, yet it happens a billion times a day on Planet Stupid.

One time I watched a “monetized” YouTube vid about the benefits of quitting alcohol, and guess what ad popped up to start the clip? That’s right, a plug for the best whiskey glasses to impress your friends and family. Fuck me.

I may still find a public platform to mess with just for the sake of doing stupid shit, but the only working name I can think of is “Banned in 30 Seconds.” I’ll send you the YouTube link when that happens, but you’ll need quick fingers to hear what I have to say.

When I called my hosting service to ask why they jacked up my fees an additional hundred bucks, I was quickly connected with Dave, and he politely explained to me that all the “benefits” I’d been grandfathered into over the years were no longer applicable to my next contract, but the new rates were “competitively representative of the best providers in North America.”

Golly gee, thanks Dave!

As quickly as I told him I’d decided to shop my business elsewhere, the clacking on his keyboard began…

Dave: Wait a second here… I think I may be able to find an old coupon code that may yet be active. Give me a second here, Michael…

(Oooh! Dave found a loophole! He’s on MY side!!!)

Mike: Yeah sure, take your time.

Dave: I found it! I can offer you an $80 customer loyalty discount! Does that sound acceptable to you?

Mike: Uh, no, Dave, sounds like that speech was part of your training syllabus under the section How to Deal With Customers We’re Ripping Off by Placating Them With Pitiful Discounts That in No Way Financially Harm the Company. Can you stay on the line, Dave, whilst I do a quick DuckDuckGo search for other hosting offers to compare your numbers?

Dave: Actually, sorry Michael, my bad. The coupon was for one hundred dollars.

Mike: (struggling badly not to snort aloud) Oh wow, perfect! Yeah alright, make it happen. I’m actually kinda too lazy to mess with migrating my website elsewhere at the moment anyways.

Dave: Okay, excellent…. already sent your new invoice. You should have it now.

Mike: Wow, you don’t mess around, do you Davey? Yeah, I got it. Thanks man, appreciate your help.

Dave: You’re quite welcome. I am very pleased I could resolve this issue. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Mike: Yeah, stop reading from your fucking crib notes, it’s annoying as fuck. I get the same nicey nicey lines from my bank and credit card company. Do you guys all share the same script?

Dave: I’d be very happy to look into th—

Mike: Okay stop it Dave, stop it, I was just messin’ with you. Thanks for your help dude, Have a good day.

Dave: I’m so glad I could help res—

Mike: SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE! GOODBYE!

Okay, so maybe I was a little hard on Dave. Sorry dude! But the interaction made me realize two things:

One — It’s my 6-year Bonerfruit anniversary!

and

Two — Slave jobs are fucking stupid.

Now I know the average attention span of readers today is limited to Fox News headlines, and memes containing 4 words or less, so if you’re not up to reading this full essay, I have the perfect link here for you to make a swift exit:

Thanks for making it this far!

For the brave ones carrying on, let’s start with the anniversary thing…

Six fucking years, woo! When I started this debacle, I mostly needed a laugh for myself, and a personal diary to evolve new ideas and philosophies that I found to be woefully lacking among the “enlightened.” I never envisioned pumping out 5 books, nor did I imagine I’d still be at it this many years later.

But you know the best thing about following a passion? It’s looking back on where you once were, and taking stock of how you’ve grown, how you’ve progressed, how you’ve changed, and what you’ve learned. And you know what I’ve learned?

FUCKING NOTHING!
THIS PLANET’S COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE!!!

Haha.

As for the slave-job thing, I meant no disrespect to Dave. He’s just doing what we’re all doing — playing the game the best we can… following the rules we’ve been taught to follow… staying within a comfort zone that’s safe, stable, and secure enough to pay rent, feed the cat, and have a few bucks leftover at the end of the month to slip into the masseuse’s sticky tip bowl in the hope of a happy ending. Rinse, repeat, die.

Despite intending to take last summer off, I ended up self-guilting into working a full year, mostly because I’m the type of doormat who fills himself with self-loathing if I perceive I’m “letting people down.”

I’ll write you a post on being a doormat extraordinaire some other time. It’ll be a lengthy read. Shit, it might just end up being a full-blown book. We’ll throw the idea in the maybe pile for now…

I’m totally fucking pumped to tell you that as of this day, I am no longer part of the working community. I finally grew a pair, and gave good ol’ Harbour Hill my 2-week notice (which of course ended up being 4 and half weeks, see DOORMAT).

And now the fun shit begins. What I couldn’t accomplish in the last 3 months, I finished in a week… the solar system for my boat is up and running! And, more shockingly (pun not intended), I didn’t burn, fry, or singe any of my body parts or major appliances in the process. I still ain’t no electronics expert, but I’m stoked on the Frankensteiny mess I’ve put together to test at home. Boat install begins this week, fuck yeah…

Just 1.3 million more little things to attend to on the S.S BonerFruit, and I’m ready to sail to warm seas, palm trees, and my ultimate doom.

But yeah, enough of my egotistical babble for now.

Let’s end with a final thought, Jerry Springer style…

I’d like to thank all of our guests for being here today, best of luck to you in the future…

You know, sometimes we get caught up in circumstances beyond our control. We think to ourselves, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”

But eventually there comes a time when we realize it’s impossible to move forward when our vehicle is stuck in neutral. Those dreams you see on the horizon will only get closer once you get yourself in gear.

You don’t have to bury the needle out of the gate, just get moving. There’s nothing wrong with a slow acceleration. But you might just find that the harder you push the pedal to the floor, the faster you’ll get there.

And don’t worry about your passengers. The only one controlling the brake is you. If they don’t like the direction you’re taking, let ’em off at the next truck stop. It’s not your responsibility to make everyone else happy. You’ll never be able to please others unless you first learn to please yourself.

Join us next week when transgender climate activists go head to head with white-privileged Trump supporters.

Till then… take care of yourselves… and each other.

What's on your mind?