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Whoring Yourself Isn’t That Original…

Yeah, I’ve talked about it enough, so here’s a preview of things to come…

Pre-orders going on sale soon. You know that scam, right? Where someone takes your money, to spend on hookers and blow, while you sit home patiently, with nothing new to read?

Pretty sneaky.

But I would never do that to you. Not without offering a fancy incentive — like my prized signature, and a personalized note to your cat, dog, lizard, or hamster. Simply specify which animal you own upon ordering.

No guinea pigs or fish, please.

If you don’t have a pet, perhaps I can write a poem about your favourite trip to Walmart. Or say a small prayer thrice weekly for your dying houseplants. Maybe I can donate a toonie to the charity of my choice, in your name, kinda like those assholes who try to guilt you at the local Fresh Co. — except they use your money, and their name.

It won’t be a full two dollars to the needy, obviously, since everyone has to take a cut. The glossy new brochures, and limos to the “save the world” convention ain’t fuckin’ free, ya know. Not to worry, at least a penny or two will trickle down to the bloated African babies. And you’ll feel great knowing you made a difference.

If none of those incentives will encourage you to drop $400 early for a copy of my new book, I have no idea what will.

Oh wait, did I write 400 dollars? I meant pesos. Actually that’s a bit pricey too, let’s cut that in half. Twice. Shit, I need a calculator…

But if you act now, I’ll send not one, but TWO copies of the book. Yeah, you read that correctly. The pot’s gettin’ sweeter every second.

With the weather warming outside, you know what else I’m giving away?

A new fucking shammy! The kind Vince Shlomo sold before getting arrested for chomping down on a transvestite prostitute’s lower lip. Yep, this thing’ll do a beautiful job wipin’ down your car, or soakin’ up 2 L of Coke Zero someone spilled on the rug during your Game of Thrones party.

How could you possibly pass that up??

You can’t — especially once you learn that the first 1000 orders will also receive a free tactical flashlight. I shit you not!! You can freeze this fucker, drive over it with your Humvee, or jam it up your ass, and it’ll never break. It stops working if you do something stupid with it, like use it in the dark, or carry it in your backpack for a month, but only an idiot would do something so foolish. It’s a tactical flashlight, not a practical one, dumbass.

You do realize you’ll have to pay all the extra shipping and handling for these gifts, right? I ain’t no delivery-boy sucker. But after I throw in 3 free samples of hand-made bricks I’ve been stockpiling in my parents garage, you might consider that $400 mark again. American. Fuck the pesos.

Before you start thinking “scam,” I should let you know the bricks are part of an ultra-sustainable, Earth-friendly, green-living construction system I’m pioneering. I’m including free plans with every sample of bricks. In order to save the trees, I’ve carved the design ideas onto slabs of homemade clay, 100% bio-degradable. Shipping is gonna cost a little more, but well worth it to save the planet.

The shipping mark-ups have nothing to do with the sweet deal I have going on with Fed Ex. I swear.

For the measly sum of 5 or 6 hundred bucks, my new book is yours.

It’ll be out no later than 2021. Promise.

Place your order today!

Hookers aren’t gettin’ any cheaper.

Tales From The Crypt

Writing is an interesting game.

It’s one thing to hole yourself up in a room for days on end, and make up crazy shit just for the sake of keeping your fucked up mind entertained, but it’s an entirely different beast to go out into the world, and gather real experiences of the weird, wild, and wacky offerings found around every corner.

One might also potentially uncover stories of love, compassion, and personal growth, but those tales are fucking gay.

The Adventure Blog writes itself. All I have to do is play stenographer. The Ramblings category is different. It takes a lot more time and energy to put a piece together — sometimes based on a random thought, sometimes no thought at all. I wouldn’t call it writing for the sake of writing, as something interesting always develops, but journaling is far easier when you’ve actually lived the stories — by experiencing this ridiculous reality first-hand, to find the endless bits of fun, humour, wisdom, or tragedy in the mess, worthy of sharing with others.

So that’s what I went out to do this morning.

Wanna hear a tale?

Of course you do…

I turned 47 today. In dog years, I would be a corpse. But I arose at the crack of dawn, with far more enthusiasm than any decaying canine I’ve ever played fetch with. The plan was a random walk around town, no destination in mind.

Though the temperature reached an almost balmy 18 C the day before, this morning was crisp. Perhaps a small cup of decaf might be a fitting start.

As I entered the only open building of caffeine peddlers, I immediately sensed the stench of death. But I quickly realized it wasn’t emanating from the four ninety-year-olds sitting in silence, staring at their litre-sized paper cups o’ joe, it was wafting from my hair and armpits. Bathing would be next on the agenda.

I approached the counter to place my order. The only way I now have to soothe my ego is to add a preface here — although I think the woman briefly glanced at me, she was definitely occupied with some duty related to organizing materials under her register, and punched in my order without making eye contact.

“Morning!”

“Good morning, how are you today, sir?”

“Excellent. Could I have a small black decaf to go, please?”

“Of course. That’ll be a dollar fifty. Would you like your senior’s discount today?”

Happy fucking birthday, Mike.

Notes From the Universe

Let’s talk some basics here.

Life can be broken down into two elemental states — the time you’re awake, and the time you’re asleep.

If sleep time only comprised an hour or two of our daily Earth cycle, I could understand why it would seem rather insignificant in relation to the waking phase.

But it’s not an hour or two. On average, sleep consumes one third of our existence. That’s nothin’ to sneeze at. If that balance shifted only 4 hours, we would be talking about a condition consuming half our lives.

For all the crazy new advancements we’ve seen in this generation alone, it stuns me to consider how fundamentally ignorant we still remain about our “unconscious” periods, despite them being an undeniable part of living, which not a single one of us can ignore without breaking down physically or mentally.

Continue reading Notes From the Universe

Life Lessons Learned in the Loo — Nice Alliteration, Eh?

So let’s say your 80-year-old dad makes a snap decision one morning to jump in the car and make a beeline to the local Home Depot to purchase a new bathtub, intent on beginning a process of replacing the stand-up shower — and only bathing facility — in the house you’re currently residing in as a homeless, 46-year-old degenerate wanderer.

Let’s also say his health isn’t the greatest — his physical strength and mobility are similar to that of a crippled new-born giraffe, and his mental faculties are on par with an electroshock patient who just received a 400-volt hit of “therapy.”

And let’s say he’s going to the hospital in the next two days for knee surgery, leaving you and your mother — people sorely lacking in plumbing, tiling, and renovation skills — to sort out the mess.

What do you do, hotshot?

What do you do?

Continue reading Life Lessons Learned in the Loo — Nice Alliteration, Eh?

Que Whora Es?

Some new guest-blogging goin’ on…

Even though my opening lines got manipulated a bit, the full article is intact, linked here. I didn’t quite get that Depends joke/title right, but oh well…

That should make up for it…

New material for BonerFruit coming up shortly, inspired by being a whore, douchebag sellout.

I still want to hit “publish” on my last 2,000-word post, summarizing the final 2 days I spent in Mexico, but the piece came across as way too self-absorbed and lame, even though there were some mega-awesome DTG moments involved.

Me? Self-absorbed? Ridiculous…

Whatever. We’re moving forward, with new stories to share about installing tubs, shattering bathroom tiles, and scooping kitty-litter yet again.

Perhaps some insight into life as well.

We’ll see.

No fucking promises, just making the game up as it happens.

Hope everyone’s well. This is mostly a one-sided conversation as always — my apologies.

You fuckers can always engage in the stupid forum link I always consider deleting. Dialogue is good.

Much better than Dying on a log.

I think that was a constipation joke/pun, I’m not sure.

I’ll stop talking.

Sometimes Prostitutes Suck

No matter how hard you try in life to be an exemplary human, no matter how conscientious you are of others’ needs or desires, and no matter how diligent your attempts might be to save the world, shitty things will still happen to you.

Sorry chief, that’s just the nature of this reality.

It’s easy enough to get into a funk when things go wrong. Despite mega-postitive mindsets, and unwavering faith in other-wordly, supportive guides, there’s no predicting what circumstance might unfold one day to leave you stressed, grief-filled, or miserable.

But these are the moments that matter most — the ones that shouldn’t be relegated to the “that’s not fucking fair” pile, but accepted with open arms to glean new perspectives into self and reality.

How many times have we bemoaned a situation that later turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us? How many times have we lain wake at night, tossing and turning in rhythm to possible horrific scenarios that failed to manifest upon the rising of a morning sun?

What we continually forget throughout this life journey is that our present moment always reflects each and every choice we’ve made in the past. There is nothing bad that can befall us, because we’ve been the architects of every construction. We made a decision at some point where the toilet should sit in our perfect home, so there’s no reason to fret when we realize the stink pipe was erroneously placed. We simply need to learn to make corrections when necessary, without lashing out at the nearest convenient scape-goat who may have suggested design ideas we knew weren’t right for us.

We’ve all worked with shitty blueprints at one time or another, but that doesn’t mean the building we’re currently residing in can’t be updated, modified, or torn to the ground, if necessary, to rethink grander designs.

The fun in life is to keep building, no matter how half-assed some of our earlier foundations may have been. Trial and error is our greatest teacher, and each iteration of our “happiness tower” provides invaluable insight on how to enhance the structure to provide maximum sunshine for the cherry tomatoes and pot-plants we have growing on the sill.

Setbacks are part of the learning curve. Without them, growth and evolution would be meaningless. We play our games because we have a passion for them, wondering just how good we may get if we remain focused and dedicated. If we were experts at everything we tried — sitting on our mountain tops effortlessly, to witness an endgame without the trials and tribulations that make summiting worthwhile — there would be no reason to play. The fun is always in climbing, with the peak becoming a realization newer heights need to be explored.

There are no shitty things that happen to us. Only a perspective that perhaps the game we’ve chosen to obsess over might not be our cup of tea. And that’s a good thing, because there’s far more out there than chamomile and cinnamon rooibus. I would recommend avoiding pumpkin chai, too, cuz it sucks ass.

Though this may come across as an “easier said than done” philosophy, the best thing you can do with an unfair assfucking is to let it go. Yeah, your sphincter might feel raw and tender for many days to follow, but the discomfort will pass — and always lead to a thought somewhere down the road declaring, “Sure, it fucking sucked, but it was just the thing I needed at the time — look at me now!”

This is more than just rolling with the punches — this is the realization that a shot or two below the belt provides invaluable insight to develop new strategies to challenge the deranged and intimidating semi-pro intent on splattering your grey-matter all over the boxing ring. There’s no reason to be intimidated by a Don King managed antagonist, as long as you remain true to your desire to wear a championship belt personalized to you.

So if an unwanted event happens, something that causes you to question your motivation to expend energy to rebalance the burden back to status quo, it might be time to make a connection that the path you’re desperately clearing with a machete might not be the right one for you.

And that’s fine, because the only limits to exploration are the ones you impose on yourself. Sure, gun-toting cocksuckers might await you at many gates, but there are always roads around them. They care more about paycheques and the size of their penises, than truly hindering your progress.

Forget beating yourself up when shit hits the fan, and focus on finding the best solution to patch the hole in your boat. A new archipelago always awaits in the distance. All you ever need to get moving again is a passion to see what’s over the horizon. Some repairs will take more time than others, but with a little creativity, elbow grease, and a whack of epoxy, (I hear sheep-dung works well at times for leaks, too), you’ll be on your way again before you know it — the islands of grief forgotten in lieu of exciting new ports.

Don’t stress the repair work — learn from it. And even if another tiger-shark rams its head through your hull, you’ll know how to deal with it, this time with greater amusement at the absurdity of the situation, with stress and grief relegated to your holding tank of waste, ready to be flushed into the ocean before the next dock is reached.

Always be ready to set your sails. It’s just a matter of time before the winds of life start blowing your way again.

That was probably the right segue for a blow-job joke, but focus on your other work first, and when you’re done, I’ll have the ultimate fellatio one-liner perfected to reward your dedication.

Forget about things that suck…