COVID-1984 Douchebag Test

We all want to be loved, right?

Of course.

How horrible would it be to one day find out your beloved personality quirks irritated the hell out of 98% of the people around you?

Pretty crushing, I’m sure.

No need to fret. The following test has been scientifically formulated to put you on the right path of social normality — simultaneously determining the 2 major factors that currently affect your life the most:

A.  Am I Respectful, CoronaSmart Human?

B.  Am I a Fucking Douchebag?

Go grab a pen and paper.

Read the following questions, and add 2 strokes each time you answer Yes/Correct. If you respond with Nay/Erroneous, only stroke once.

If you stroke more than 108 times during this quiz, you likely have a masturbation problem.

Let’s begin.

1. Do I wear a top-of-the-line surgical mask and disposable gloves when I drive in my car, all by my lonesome, to pick up a half-priced treadmill waiting for me at the Canadian Tire curbside pickup, committed to shed the 30 pounds I’ve gained during lockdown while watching Netflix and boredom-eating?

2. Do I feel guilty walking 2 feet down a supermarket aisle to grab a jar of Mushroom Ragu, knowing I’m in clear violation of a decaying one-way sticker on the floor?

3. When someone sneezes, is my go-to comment: “Ooh, COVID, hahaha!”

4. Do I elbow-bump people instead of shaking hands?

5. Do I apply hand-sanitizer after masturbating in the shower?

6. Do I routinely purchase meat products that contain mechanically-separated pork, chicken, or turkey?

7. Do I step off the sidewalk curb to avoid being within 6 feet of some diseased douchebag motherfucker gleefully walking their yappy, piece-of-shit micro-dog?

8. Have I ever referred to Game of Thrones as GOT?

9. Have I ever refused a family member to visit my domicile because a guinea pig might count as the 5th in my household?

10. Have I ever said to anyone: “Hey dude, wanna binge-watch season two of Felicity?”

11. Have I ever gone down a playground slide in the dark, possibly while drunk, and suffered near decapitation because some COVID-fearing-fuckface wrapped a piece of orange fencing around the middle of the apparatus to deter public usage?

12. Have I ever been hit with a bag of bread because I encroached within 6 feet of a ninety-year-old fossil at Giant Tiger who was bulk-buying toilet paper, pasta, and slices of Wonder?

13. Do I realize “no-contact pick-up” doesn’t mean jack-shit if a 48-year-old cook in the kitchen rubs his balls religiously before slapping each burger on the grill?

14. Do I wear a cloth mask all day at work because I fear germs, then go home and suck my husband’s cock?

15. Am I secretly aroused by the smell of hand-sanitizer?

16. Have I wiped my bum in the last 3 months with toilet paper I bought because it was “on sale?”

16. Have I refused to go back to work because I fear “unsafe” conditions, knowing I make waaaay better money on CERB kickbacks?

17. Have I been part of a recent demonstration to show the world Black Lives Matter, while ignoring my previous mantra of, “Staying Home Saves Lives?”

18. Do I feel homophobic when my girlfriend sticks a finger up my ass?

19. Do I have a sign on my front lawn saying “I support front-line workers,” ignorant of the fact nurses are being laid off in droves because hospitals are empty?

20. Did I secretly hang a noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage?

Okay, nice work. Your test is now complete.

Determining Your Score

Spend a moment to tally your strokes, then click here to uncover your status:

SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS

CoronaWear On Sale!

Our new line of JIHAD protective masks has arrived!!! Order today, and receive a free bottle of hand-sanitizer, the perfect size to travel* with, or jam up your ass.

(*please check with your local government before you consider leaving your domicile, you fucking monster)

Pick your favourite one today, or purchase our sampler pack! 50% discount for people without ears.

 

CoronaWear Still on Sale!!

Do you feel the need to make a statement about a fake virus and bullshit global warming? If you answered yes, then CoronaWear is for you! No need to wait for winter to sport one of these custom-made beauties, cuz it’s always fucking cold in Canada, despite the weather jerk-offs always promising imminent balmy conditions. You should feel blessed that your government keeps passing hidden bills for carbon tax while you freeze your balls off in May.

CoronaWear is lovingly crafted with your personal safety in mind! Our team of artists go through no less than 3 sanitizing body-washes before donning Level-A Hazmat suits, which feature:

  • Full-face Self Contained Breathing Apparatus (SCBA)
  • Two-Way radio
  • Steel-toe safety boots
  • Chemical-resistant gloves

CoronaWear is made from organic lama wool, irradiated for no less than 6 hours in our proprietary sterilization chamber. Our crochet hooks/knitting needles are prepared according to the strictest protocol of bacteriological cleansing, and are systematically incinerated after each 4-hour block of use. CoronaWear is packaged in our government-certified clean room using hermetically-sealed shipping containers that will not be exposed to a single pathogen until it arrives at your front door carried by a disease-ladened UPS flunky.

Order today and receive a free 12-pack of JIHAD facemasks!

 

Each top-of-the-line N-95 respirator mask is custom-lettered in black acrylic paint, containing no less than 2 ounces of spittle procured from a vagrant willing to hoark in a dixie cup in exchange for liquor money.

Direct message Bonerfruit for prices! All hats begin at $499.95*

*although hats used to be $12.95, and many times given away for free, adhering to government regulations is a costly element we cannot ignore. We sincerely apologize for the drastic markup, but hope you will continue to support our local business during these difficult, troubling, and ass-reaming times.

Much love,
BonerFruit

Conversations With Jesus

JC, you out there? I’ve got some issues I need resolving. A fucking shitload of ’em.

I’m always with you, my child.

Sweet. But you don’t have to necessarily follow me into the toilet every time.

I’m not sure where to begin. This planet has lost its fucking mind. There’ve always been control issues in place, but now they’ve gotten completely out of hand. Common sense and rational thoughts are crushed by the daily fear campaigns continuously spouted by the TV machine. Feels like I’m surrounded by drones — automatons content to unquestioningly obey whatever new rulesets or guidelines constantly being dictated to them, no matter how illogical or asinine. What the fuck do I do?

Judge not, lest ye be judged thyself.

Hmm. Okay, that’s fair enough. But just for the record, no one says “ye” or “thyself” anymore in 2020.

Of course not, that’s why it sounds so kick-ass when I do it. Although I shared that insight more than 2000 years ago, the sentiment is just as apt today. And I thank you kindly for judging my choice of words. 

Oh fuck, right. I’m still doing it. Sorry. Let me better explain why I’m bitching and whining today. It’s not about who’s right, who’s wrong, what’s real, or what’s fake, it has to do with the lack of open dialogue. It seems everyone is locked into a rigid belief system, completely unwilling to entertain thoughts that haven’t been dictated to them by “authority” figures — assholes with well-documented track records of lies, deceit, and self-serving manipulation.

Who’s everyone? What makes your belief system any different?

Okay, maybe “everyone” was unfair hyperbole. Yes, it’s true I’ve spent many years professing I had all the answers to whatever I was passionate about back in the day — diet, lifestyle, philosophies, and a shitload more. But I’ve seen through my rigidity. I’m ready to amend or outright dismiss whatever theories I currently hold dear about this reality whenever new insight is gleaned. There’s nothing left I can say I “believe” anymore. Direct experience trumps all.

And how is that so vastly different from those around you? Are you a more wonderful creature because you’re enlightened?

I never said I was enlightened, I simply said I wasn’t as rigid anymore.

So not enlightened, but more advanced, more evolved? Flaccid?

Stop it. I’m not trying to sound superior. Just saying I wish society could be a little more open-minded to discuss new ideas or possibilities.

Like you were you 15 years ago?

Fuck. Alright. Make your point already.

No need. Seems you already have. Care to summarize?

Hm. Yeah, okay. Thanks for ruining my angry rant by the way.

No problemo. Continue…

Alright…

I guess everyone learns and grows at their own pace. It’s not a reason to judge. If someone’s not ready to entertain a message being shared, no amount of logic, reasoning, or (haha) “scientific evidence” will convince them otherwise. Arguments and debates are pointless without an open-minded forum.

The realization I once walked in the shoes of a person on the receiving end of my “superior” criticism becomes the foundation for new perspectives of interaction — Empathy. Understanding. Patience. Unconditional love. Shit like that. How am I doing?

Honestly, you sound a bit patronizing and preachy, but don’t sweat it. I’m in no position to judge. I spent my better years wandering the desert in shitty homemade sandals, trying my damnedest to share a message I thought to be worthy — and look where that got me! I don’t know how many people you’ve brought back from the dead, but let me tell you, at the end of the day, it still doesn’t give you street cred with any group afraid to move out of their comfort zone. So stop worrying about waking sleep-walkers, and focus on advancing new ideas with however many free-thinking disciples you find around you. Worst case scenario, someone nails you to a tree.

Haha, that’s encouraging! Any final thoughts on dealing with this screwball prison planet?

Indeed. Did it slip your mind that my story ended in a kangaroo court trial and brutal murder? No matter. Let me leave you with these words. Life will continually throw you curveballs you perceive to be “injustices.” This I promise. You can handle them in one of two ways: bitch and whine till the end of time, or explore endless creative solutions to advance your growth. You’ve always held the key to the lock on your chains.

Okay, nicely said JC. Although I’ve misplaced my key, I’m gonna start looking for it right now. Well, maybe after a beer.

And you wonder why you’re fucked…

Positively Ingenious!

From time to time, people accuse me of having a negative outlook on life. I’m not really sure why this is, considering I’m absolutely positive 90 percent of the humans walking this planet are entirely fucked in the head, but I’ll never be one to repress another’s right to express their opinion. That’s what freedom’s all about. When we start censoring ideas that the media tells us are “dangerous” (which of course would never, ever happen in our highly advanced and open society), that would be the time to start questioning whether our beloved regulators have our best interests at heart, or if they have an agenda of their own we might not be privy to.

So in order to demonstrate my spirit is riding high during these “unprecedented, difficult, and trying times,” I’ve amassed a list of some of the unexpected benefits and opportunities that have come to light in the midst of our planetary medical dictatorship.

Let’s begin!

Wearing Masks

The perks are unending! We’ll start with the basics: hideous people. No more fear of walking out of the house worrying you’re not quite up to snuff with Brad Pitt’s good looks. With a surgical face-mask, baggy coat, and slicked-back hair, there’s a good chance you’ll be mistaken for a young George Clooney! Though it’s difficult to chat up the ladies while standing 6 or more feet away from them in the check-out at the local Giant Tiger, when the bars and nightclubs re-open again 2 years from now, Miss Right will never have a clue how impossibly far you fall short of her physical ideal. With a few carefully practiced pick-up lines and witty anecdotes about surviving the lockdown, you’ll have had your hands in her pants a dozen times before she ever realizes you’re missing 18 teeth, and your breath smells of half-priced dog food.

Up next: people who like to rob shit. Society rarely considers how much grief and anxiety is involved standing in front of a liquor store, debating whether the pantyhose or ski mask are the appropriate attire for the task at hand. Well, forget that! Toss away your doctor prescribed antidepressants that bung up your sphincter, and enjoy culturally-approved anonymity, drug-free! You can also forget the stress of planning your next heist. If you choose to go out in public now wearing a rubber Ronald Reagan mask, I can guarantee no one will bat an eyelash. So as you approach a bank-teller with a question about usurious account fees, or stand in front of a cashier with a bottle of whisky or 6-pack of Hamburger Helper somewhere down the road, let your heart decide if it’s the right time to pull your gun to exercise a little “unsanctioned capitalism.” Spontaneity is the spice of life! Freshly ground pepper is pretty awesome too.

For the Ladies? Makeup. How much wasted time do you spend every morning “putting on your face?” Kiss those tedious hours goodbye, and keep your energies focused where they belong — updating your Facebook status and watching reruns of Friends. Aside from feeding the kiddies, and a lengthy line-up to roll through Tim Horton’s to pick up a disease-free latte, starting a new day will become as simple as donning a hat and mask. Forget the showers and leg shaving as well. No one’s ever gonna get close enough to you again to realize how badly your ‘pits smell, or how many Goldfish crumbs are lodged in your pubic hair. It won’t be long before the “North American Burka” becomes the norm, dispelling your holier-than-thou judgments about the backward, mysogynistic cultures you’ve been taught to hate. Sure, maybe you’ll want to keep a little eye-liner in your pocket o’ tricks to impress the hunky guy who hauls your trash once a week, but you’ll never again be part of an ongoing experiment by beauty corporations to find out what 10,000 chemicals, secretly buried in lipstick, foundation, or shampoo, unknowingly do to your body. Forget showing off cleavage, eyes are the window to the soul!

Fashion.

Here’s an unlimited opportunity. I’m no sleeping prophet, but I’ll go on record predicting that “social distancing” ain’t gonna be forgotten any time soon. So why not then make the best of a situation that’s been forced upon you? If you can earn a few bucks creating ideas that help save lives, by preventing disease-spreading-motherfuckers from approaching you, I say run with it.

Idea 1: Spike vests.

If you’ve ever watched the absurdity of a fashion show — you know, where tall, weird-looking, anorexic humans walk down a runway wearing outfits that some emotionally-disturbed queer designed for shock value because trending media dictated he was the latest “in” thing — then this idea might not seem so ludicrous.

No need to fear anyone contaminating you with their filthy diseases while wearing this fashionable number at your next bar mitzvah. Huggers can go fuck themselves. Forced social distancing is IN!

Idea 2: The Sawbrerro.

Pretty simple. When someone tries to approach you unwantedly, shaking your head to indicate, “no, don’t do it asshole,” will take on new meaning if the disease carrier gets too close, and quickly finds their nose separated from their bacteria-laden fuckface. It’s a mistake they’ll never make again.

Idea 3: Winter Wear.

Already done. If you copy me, you’re just a sad, pathetic shill.

Idea 4: Bear Trap Mittens

Can you believe some assholes out there still consider hand-shaking to be a normal activity? Un-freakin-believable. So here’s one to deter those gropey mass-murderers from ever sticking their diseased hands in your face again…

That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ve inspired a few readers to feel as bubbly as I do, as we patiently await a single miracle vaccine that will one day eradicate this heartless, microscopic scourge from the face of the Earth. As we stand in line at our forced vaccination clinics a year from now, still wearing face-masks and maintaining a 6-foot personal radius, life will finally start returning to normal.

We can only hope our miracle cure is as effective as the one we developed for influenza. I’m positive medical science won’t let us down.

Next Post: Viral mutations, and why thrice-yearly COVID shots will become as natural as brushing your teeth. See you then!

COVID — The Projection of a Mass Illusion

[Written by Jon Rappoport. Reprinted with permission. Original post:
blog.nomorefakenews.com To learn more about Jon and his 30+ years of free-lance investigative reporting, please visit: nomorefakenews.com]

 

When it comes to what is laughingly called medical science, the basic energy, drive, ambition, outlook, and inner vision of the individual is discounted. His emotional force is discounted. The resilience of his immune system is discounted. The power of his spiritual beliefs is discounted. His ability to overcome obstacles is discounted. And of course, his natural right to make decisions about his own health is discounted.

Instead, he is viewed as a mechanical unit reacting to germs, with a high potential for failure. This is pure insanity. This is where all the purported sophistication of basic medical science winds up: in a dead end. LIFE itself was eliminated from the equations and formulas. Whose fault is that? Not yours. Not mine.

It turns out that, for many people, their belief in the power of the virus, and their belief in the officials who are spouting gobbledygook about it, outweigh their belief in whatever spiritual ultimates they profess.

Their own deepest beliefs are not strong enough.

Their religion is television.

Which is where the mass illusion is projected.

Epidemics are staged on television.

Images begin to flow:

An emergency medical vehicle on a street. EMT personnel, in hazmat suits, load a man strapped down to a stretcher, into the van. On another street, a man collapses on the sidewalk. We see yet another quarantined man sitting inside a huge plastic bubble on a third street. Cut to an airport lobby. Soldiers are patrolling the space among the crowds. Cut to a lab. Close-up of vials of liquid. Camera pulls back. Techs in light green scrubs are placing the vials into slots of a table-top machine. Auditorium—a man on a platform, wearing a doctor’s white coat, is pointing a wand at a large screen, on which a chart is displayed, for the audience. Back to the street. People are wearing face masks.

These images wash over the television viewer. Meanwhile, the anchor is imparting his prepared meaning: “The government today issued a ban on all travel into and out of the city…hundreds of plane flights have been cancelled. Scientists are rushing to develop a vaccine…”

The television audience has an IMPRESSION of knowing something. They’re in the flow, the flow of the news…they’re in the images…

Or: Example: we see angry crowds on the street of a foreign city. Many shots of young people on their cell phones sitting in outdoor cafés. Then the marble lobby of a government building where men in suits are walking, standing in groups talking to each other. Then at night, rockets exploding in the sky. Then armored vehicles moving through a gate into the city. Then clouds of smoke on another street and people running, chased by police.

A flow of consecutive images. The sequence, obviously, has been assembled by a news editor, but the viewing audience isn’t aware of that. They’re watching the “interconnected” images and listening to a news anchor tell a story that colors (infects) every image: “This is revolution for democracy, created by the technology of cell phones…”

Viewers thus believe something. Television has imparted a sensation to them.

In his 1976 film masterpiece, Network, Paddy Chayefsky’s unhinged newsman, Howard Beale, broadcasts this message to his audience on national television—

“So, you listen to me. Listen to me! Television is not the truth. Television’s a god-damned amusement park. Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players. We’re in the boredom-killing business… We deal in illusions, man. None of it is true! But you people sit there day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds. We’re all you know. You’re beginning to believe the illusions we’re spinning here. You’re beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you. You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube. You even think like the tube. This is mass madness. You maniacs. In God’s name, you people are the real thing. We are the illusion.”

Television, in the main, does not attempt to impart knowledge. It strives to give the viewer the impression that he knows something. There is a difference.

Knowledge, once established, is independent of the viewer. Whereas the impression of knowing is a feeling, a conviction, a belief the viewer holds, after he has watched moving images on a screen. THIS is what the addicted viewer prefers. He wants no part of knowledge.

Therefore: a short circuit occurs in his mind.

When you export this pattern out to a whole society, you are talking about a dominant method through which fake knowledge is groped and held close.

“Did you see that fantastic video about the Iraq War? It showed that Saddam actually had bioweapons.”

“Really? How did they show that?”

“Well, I don’t remember. But watch it. You’ll see.”

And that’s another feature of the modern acquisition of “knowledge”: amnesia about details.

The viewer can’t recall key features of what he saw. Or if he can, he can’t describe them, because he was inside them, busy building up his impression of knowing something.

Narrative-visual-television story strips out and discards conceptual analysis.

When a technology (television) turns into a method of perception, reality is turned inside out. People watch TV through TV eyes.

Mind control is no longer something only imposed from the outside. It is a matrix of a self-feeding, self-demanding loop.

Willing Devotees of the Image WANT images, food stamps of the programmed society.

The false pandemic I’ve been rejecting, in many articles, is delivered through video flow and narration. Stacked and cut images.

There is no television challenge to the television flow, through the intrusion of actual knowledge, because that would shut down the parade of images and nullify the reasons for broadcasting them in the first place.

The old theater adage, “the show must go on,” when adapted for television, becomes, “the flow must go on.” Once its course is set, there can be no turning back.

But individuals can shred the flow.

And groups of protestors can shred the flow.

And freedom breaks out.

Daily Bread Hall of Fame

If you’re a non-subscriber/casual visitor to the BonerFruit site, you’d likely know that Daily Bread comes and goes quickly. Hare today, goon tomorrow. But since I can’t stop laughing uncontrollably every time I click on the following snippet, the decision to enter this into a permanent Ramblings post feels like a no-brainer.*

(*Administrator’s Note: the term “no-brainer” is not suggestive of a functioning brain ever having contributed to the writings on this site)

Credit to A. Ciupka for sharing this one day in a random text.

So here it is, forever, or until Jesus or the medical dictatorship decide my power on Earth has come to an end…