Step Into My Parlour…

I’m not your typical human who pins reality on faith, belief, or other intangible constructs of egoic habits that keep our meatsuits in perpetual states of ignorance and bondage.

But don’t confuse that statement with an inference I’m an arrogant, pseudo-bodhisattva who’s figured out everything Planet Insanity has to offer.

In the grand scheme of the Universe, I don’t know shit. And the real kicker is — the more I learn, the less I know. Whatta world.

In simpler terms, I’m a fucking moron — a junkie, a douchebag, an habitual asshole who wakes up each day thinking I’m one step closer to unravelling the mysteries of reality, only to have my next experience slap my sorry ass back to square one.

It’s tough finding answers wandering the streets of Planet Earth — mostly because 85 percent of its inhabitants aren’t willing, for even a fucking millisecond, to consider the wild and wacky questions an open-minded human might be asking about life, the Universe, and everything.

And that’s no surprise. Parents, elementary school education, and the fine, fine work of science and the media have eradicated most humans’ ability to think outside the box. Actually, that sentiment is somewhat inaccurate — the ability of humans to think outside the box has ever been intact, but their desire to do so has been largely decimated — trained out of existence incrementally with every moment spent staring into smartphones, tablets, and the larger than life telescreen.

Critical thinking is at an all-time low. And with the rampant censorship going on in the media — basically the muzzling of any entity questioning the “science” or efficacy of the insane decisions being made on a global level — well, things ain’t likely to get better anytime soon.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a well-respected virologist, a tenured university professor, or a long-haired hippie doing research in Mommy’s basement — if you dare inject into social media even the smallest amount of logic, reason, quantifiable data from “respected” sources, or any other insight blasphemous to the “official story,” be prepared to have your right to free speech revoked with extreme prejudice.

Fortunately, there are absolutely no examples in the history of humanity connecting totalitarian rule, censorship, and false flag events to economic destruction, genocide, and war.
[Insert massively sarcastic emoticon graphic here]

If Facebook believes in gagging anyone who has questions concerning the cycle threshold of a test never meant to diagnose infectious disease, so be it. It all worked out in the end for Mussolini, so let Zuckerberg have his fun.

But no matter how many times I tell myself there’s no value in stressing out over the psychotic agenda of the overlords pulling our strings, I still find myself praying to Jesus every night for a massive solar flare to take down the power grid.

Don’t get me wrong here. I ain’t some miserable fuck eagerly awaiting the Apocolypse in order to advance my spiritual agenda. I like electricity. I like heat. I like long-distance communication. I like writing crazy bullshit on my laptop. But nothing would make me happier than to witness the end of the informational stranglehold the corporate, technocratic psychopaths have on the human race. Nothing would make me happier than to witness humans communicate with one another face to face again — not through fucking memes, not through fucking texts, not through fucking status updates. Nothing would make me happier than one last, heartfelt conversation without a TV blaring in the background, and the interruption of multiple text summons.

I’m willing to bet if we spent the next 6 months with no access to social media, phones, newspapers, or the fucking Telescreen, we’d probably realize something profound about our towns and neighbourhoods — no one we know is sick, and no one we know is dying from invisible microbes spread by people who have absolutely no symptoms of ailment.

Humans become ill because they treat their bodies like shit. People are in hospitals because they eat garbage, they’re not active, they take poisonous drugs, and they live 24/7 in electromagnetically polluted, toxic environments. There’s a health pandemic going on alright, but it ain’t due to the fucking crown-headed graphic splayed over every digital screen on the planet — it’s caused by our lifestyles. If medical science truly gave a shit about our well-being, they’d be telling us to drop 10 pounds, stop eating processed food, go outside, breathe fresh air, hit the gym, and spend quality time with the ones we love.

Pretty sure their message is the exact opposite:

Stay home. Avoid humans. Do not go to the beach. Do not go to the park. Do not go to the gym. Wear an oxygen-depriving face covering, and stay 6 feet away from people at all times. Don’t bother implementing tried and true protocols to ramp up your immune system, just stay home on the couch and wait for us to inject you with an experimental drug that will never be as effective as the biological defence mechanism provided to you by God.

There’s a long-running joke about the 200-pound fuck who sidles up to the take-out counter at McPoison’s, to order 3 burgers, 2 large fries, 4 cherry pies, and a DIET coke.

In this day and age, you can pretty much replace diet coke with wearing a mask and gloves. If you’re not willing to alter your lifestyle away from processed food, sugary drinks, mind-numbing Hollywood movies, and a sedentary lifestyle, why in the fuck are bothering to put a mask on? A virus with a 98% recovery rate is the least of your worries.

It’s no accident the internet is known as the World Wide Web.

Because that’s exactly what it is…

… an elaborate, intricate creation of a hidden predator, looming in the shadows, patiently waiting to suck the life-force out of whatever it might ensnare.

And guess what, chief?

We’re the fucking flies.

Fuck, How Many Times I Gotta Get This Shit Thru Ya Thick Skull, MuthaTucka?

Divide and Conquer, Part 1: Excerpt From Original Sin

Global Insanity: 101

Technology is sold to us under the guise of improving our lives. Each new generation of electronic gadgets touts faster service, fancier graphics, sleeker and more compact designs, and a grander chance of getting you laid when showing off whatever piece-of-shit-de-jour you just spent your hard-earned slave-dollars acquiring.

But guess what, chief?

It’s all a fucking lie.

Smartphones, internet, Wi-Fi, laptops, tablets, and all things related, exist for one reason:

To control your feeble fucking brain.

Instant “information” at our fingertips has never been less informational. “Truth” has never been so full of lies. To believe you can tap a few keywords into a google search, and confidently “learn” facts about the things that keep you healthy, safe, and secure, is complete fucking folly.

From the first advertisements spoken on vacuum-tube radios, to the headlines-of-the-day automatically pinging your iPhone, the soulless motherfuckers controlling our tech have always had only one thing in mind:

That’s right, controlling your feeble fucking brain.

Consider how absurd it is to sit down and watch an infomercial — knowing the host, audience, and airtime have all been paid for by the asswads hawking their worthless, “made-in-china-by-slaves” shit — yet find yourself pulling out your credit card at the end of the session, to buy a 2-for-1 deal that’ll expire in less than 10 minutes if you “DON’T ACT NOW!”

But, in fairness, who can pass up a free Sham-Wow?

The infomercial format is, of course, the extended version of the 30-second snippets laced strategically throughout your favourite fucking piece-of-shit weekly program on the Telescreen (the show you lovingly define as “my program”), and they exist for the exact same reason — because some ass-diddling CEO authorized paying top-dollar to showcase toxic, humanity-destroying garbage, in hopes of procuring a golden parachute to float safely into Hell without snapping an ankle.

Free speech no longer exists. It’s owned by the highest bidder.

Have you ever seen a SuperBowl ad featuring, say, an indigenous group — people desperately trying to bring to light their enslavement at the hands of European oppressors who systematically took over their land, raped and murdered their families in the name of God, and forced their red-skinned asses into shitty little concentration camps?

Fuck no.

Why?

Cuz the injuns can’t afford a million-dollar time-slot between grown men brutalizing one another as they play with a ball. And even if the true natives of this land amassed their funds through some gay fucking Go-Fund-Me campaign, I’m willing to bet a scrote-sucking media mogul would kindly thank them for their interest, but declare their message too controversial for public consumption, opting to run a minute-long abomination featuring CGI dancing cans of Bud Light swarming the erect nipples of a bikini-clad, 18-year-old blonde dancing shamelessly on a Floridian beach.

TV ain’t about sharing truth. TV don’t giveth a fuck about knowledge, wisdom, nor enlightenment, and it will never be a forum for the oppressed, mistreated, or abused. The telescreen, and all its variants, exist for one specific reason:

Yeah, you remember, to control your feeble fucking brain… to make you feel like it’s the most natural thing in the world to high-five your buddy at the bar while shouting out:

“Did you see the titties on that bitch! Fuck yeah! Let’s get another pitcher of Bud, the Packers are soooo gonna win this game…”

The media is owned by psycho-fuck monsters, who only care about how many numbers exist in their bank accounts, how many 8-year-old boys they can fuck, and the quality of their cocaine.

The worst, and scariest thing about the genocidal, dickwad sociopaths running this planet is that they’re fucking patient — calm, cool, and collected. Whatever hints they’ve leaked about future agendas to “conspiratorial” nut-jobs like myself, are only more systems of control, subtly directing fringe-thinkers into boxes intentionally built for their radical minds.

Hmm, perhaps this is the appropriate spot to link back to the Divide and Conquer trilogy…

While the motherfuckers running this show don’t think twice to wait out 10, 20, a hundred, or a thousand years to further their agenda, they’ve cleverly instilled within us the exact opposite of their tactic — as sheeple, if we don’t have immediate gratification, reward, or access to whatever we want when we want it, we’re unhappy, unfulfilled, stressed, anxious, and miserable.

Although this goofball author has been completely suckered by fictitious and insidious manipulations many times over, he’s learned much. Yes, he’s still a junkie, doing his best to play out his shitty little ego-game on Planet Earth, but the nuggets of truth he’s uncovered over the years can’t be unlearned and can’t be ignored by burying his head in the sand, like most of humanity loves to do.

So let’s get to the crux of this post…

I can’t speak experientially about the Black Plague. I can’t speak experientially about Spanish Flu. I can’t speak experientially about Polio, Smallpox, Measles, or any other micro-organisms that we’ve been told have maliciously wiped out droves of humans doing their best to tend farms, bake bread, and raise their kiddies.

But I can speak experientially about H1N1. I can speak experientially about Ebola. I can speak experientially about SARS, ZIKA, AIDS, Swine Flu, and fucking CAPS. Not because I contracted any of these so-called “diseases,” but because I was heavily entrenched in all the up-to-date, cutting edge, “information” that the media pumped out each time a new, invisible death-sentence reared its ugly head.

You wanna know what I know about viruses, germs, and plagues?

They’re fucking bullshit.

Each iteration of the latest “killer virus” I’ve witnessed over the last 30 years has been utter fucking nonsense, much like the ever-morphing Influeza bug — another demon that requires yearly vaccinations to keep you safe from mutating strains that the best medical experts on this planet predict with the accuracy of an Alzheimer’s patient smoking crack.

Each campaign is nothing more than media-fear-mongering-bullshit, meant to keep the denizens of this world forever unbalanced, stressed, and supportive of authority figures who wouldn’t think twice about pissing on freshly murdered proles dumped into a shallow, Arizonian sandpit.

Each campaign has been orchestrated patiently and intentionally, to slowly condition our brains to the scenario we now have before us:

Put a mask on, or people will die.

Don’t travel, or people will die.

Don’t socialize, or people will die.

Stay six feet apart, or people will die.

Sequester yourself from family, friends, and loved ones, in never-ending 14-day stretches, cuz if you don’t, there’s a good chance they’ll die.

Wear a mask, gloves, and condom when you fuck, or people will die.

And if you’re a corrupt, puerile, power-mad cop, insecure about the size of your penis, kill as many people as you want, just don’t fuck with the dark-skinned. Their lives matter most.

Technology has paved the way for the insanity we’re unquestioningly accepting as the “new normal.” And I don’t foresee anything getting better until we collectively wake the fuck up, and stop kowtowing to the absurdity of what our “news” describes as reality.

The media’s message is always a variation of the same shit:

Let us think for you! It’s easier than doing it for yourself, or attempting to engage in futile critical thinking. The information we provide will keep you safe! Follow our rules, and you’ll never again have to fear crazy Arabs, armed with laughable box-cutters, expertly flying into steel-structures that collapse like playing-card pyramids constructed by a five-year-old. Acquiescence is what true freedom is all about!

People die all the time. But it ain’t from fake fucking plagues, epidemics, or a sequence of RNA discovered by plugging a bunch of genetic shit into a supercomputer. They die from toxic shit dumped into their water supply. They die from chemical-laden shit sold to them at the supermarket disguised as “food.” They die from industry-poisoned air, medically-poisoned drugs, and emotionally-poisoned information.

And sometimes they just die ’cause they’re fucking old — has nothing to do with a “novel” strain of frilly-haired cells that exist within their bodies when a doctor declares their time of death.

So here’s your wakeup call.

There’s no Flu. There’s no Ebola. No AIDS, no SARS, no fucking COVID. They’re all red herrings to keep you in the dark about the real reasons people get ill.

And what are those reasons?

Living in environments and states of mind that go against every natural instinct instilled within our animal-bodies — instincts screaming out from our guts:

“Hey, this ain’t fucking right! Why the fuck am I doing this? Why am I living like this? Why am I accepting this bullshit? Why the fuck am I worried about following whatever the herd does, instead of living the life I imagine?”

Evolve on whatever timetable suits you, and I’ll do my best to support your madness, but I’ve drawn my personal line in the sand.

A line that says NO FUCKING MORE!

I will never put on a mask.

Ever.

EVER!

I will not conform. I will not obey. I will not sacrifice morals, ethics, common sense, or critical thinking because of an artist-rendered image of a sphere covered in red fluffy tassels, plastered on the telescreen, that justifies the social decimation of the very nature that makes us human.

If businesses choose to refuse my patronage because of it, then fuck them. I won’t support assholes hellbent on blindly following the orders of morons and psychopaths.

Oppressors aren’t overthrown by acts of violence. They’re not swayed by protests or demonstrations. They’re beaten by non-compliance. They’re rendered impotent when the masses stop giving in to their lies and deceits, and stand together, united by love, empathy, and respect for one another.

You want to inspire your fellow man?

Lead by example.

Take off your fucking mask, and go give someone a big hug. And maybe the people standing 6 feet away from you will feel a little less ashamed to do the exact same thing somewhere down the road. If enough of us do it, we’ll realize that the pitiful groups of bullies carrying guns will never be able to stand against us, contain us, or force us into submission.

We’ll only be free when we start acting like it.

Peace.

COVID-1984 Douchebag Test

We all want to be loved, right?

Of course.

How horrible would it be to one day find out your beloved personality quirks irritated the hell out of 98% of the people around you?

Pretty crushing, I’m sure.

No need to fret. The following test has been scientifically formulated to put you on the right path of social normality — simultaneously determining the 2 major factors that currently affect your life the most:

A.  Am I Respectful, CoronaSmart Human?

B.  Am I a Fucking Douchebag?

Go grab a pen and paper.

Read the following questions, and add 2 strokes each time you answer Yes/Correct. If you respond with Nay/Erroneous, only stroke once.

If you stroke more than 108 times during this quiz, you likely have a masturbation problem.

Let’s begin.

1. Do I wear a top-of-the-line surgical mask and disposable gloves when I drive in my car, all by my lonesome, to pick up a half-priced treadmill waiting for me at the Canadian Tire curbside pickup, committed to shed the 30 pounds I’ve gained during lockdown while watching Netflix and boredom-eating?

2. Do I feel guilty walking 2 feet down a supermarket aisle to grab a jar of Mushroom Ragu, knowing I’m in clear violation of a decaying one-way sticker on the floor?

3. When someone sneezes, is my go-to comment: “Ooh, COVID, hahaha!”

4. Do I elbow-bump people instead of shaking hands?

5. Do I apply hand-sanitizer after masturbating in the shower?

6. Do I routinely purchase meat products that contain mechanically-separated pork, chicken, or turkey?

7. Do I step off the sidewalk curb to avoid being within 6 feet of some diseased douchebag motherfucker gleefully walking their yappy, piece-of-shit micro-dog?

8. Have I ever referred to Game of Thrones as GOT?

9. Have I ever refused a family member to visit my domicile because a guinea pig might count as the 5th in my household?

10. Have I ever said to anyone: “Hey dude, wanna binge-watch season two of Felicity?”

11. Have I ever gone down a playground slide in the dark, possibly while drunk, and suffered near decapitation because some COVID-fearing-fuckface wrapped a piece of orange fencing around the middle of the apparatus to deter public usage?

12. Have I ever been hit with a bag of bread because I encroached within 6 feet of a ninety-year-old fossil at Giant Tiger who was bulk-buying toilet paper, pasta, and slices of Wonder?

13. Do I realize “no-contact pick-up” doesn’t mean jack-shit if a 48-year-old cook in the kitchen rubs his balls religiously before slapping each burger on the grill?

14. Do I wear a cloth mask all day at work because I fear germs, then go home and suck my husband’s cock?

15. Am I secretly aroused by the smell of hand-sanitizer?

16. Have I wiped my bum in the last 3 months with toilet paper I bought because it was “on sale?”

16. Have I refused to go back to work because I fear “unsafe” conditions, knowing I make waaaay better money on CERB kickbacks?

17. Have I been part of a recent demonstration to show the world Black Lives Matter, while ignoring my previous mantra of, “Staying Home Saves Lives?”

18. Do I feel homophobic when my girlfriend sticks a finger up my ass?

19. Do I have a sign on my front lawn saying “I support front-line workers,” ignorant of the fact nurses are being laid off in droves because hospitals are empty?

20. Did I secretly hang a noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage?

Okay, nice work. Your test is now complete.

Determining Your Score

Spend a moment to tally your strokes, then click here to uncover your status:

SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS

CoronaWear On Sale!

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CoronaWear Still on Sale!!

Do you feel the need to make a statement about a fake virus and bullshit global warming? If you answered yes, then CoronaWear is for you! No need to wait for winter to sport one of these custom-made beauties, cuz it’s always fucking cold in Canada, despite the weather jerk-offs always promising imminent balmy conditions. You should feel blessed that your government keeps passing hidden bills for carbon tax while you freeze your balls off in May.

CoronaWear is lovingly crafted with your personal safety in mind! Our team of artists go through no less than 3 sanitizing body-washes before donning Level-A Hazmat suits, which feature:

  • Full-face Self Contained Breathing Apparatus (SCBA)
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  • Steel-toe safety boots
  • Chemical-resistant gloves

CoronaWear is made from organic lama wool, irradiated for no less than 6 hours in our proprietary sterilization chamber. Our crochet hooks/knitting needles are prepared according to the strictest protocol of bacteriological cleansing, and are systematically incinerated after each 4-hour block of use. CoronaWear is packaged in our government-certified clean room using hermetically-sealed shipping containers that will not be exposed to a single pathogen until it arrives at your front door carried by a disease-ladened UPS flunky.

Order today and receive a free 12-pack of JIHAD facemasks!

 

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Much love,
BonerFruit

Conversations With Jesus

JC, you out there? I’ve got some issues I need resolving. A fucking shitload of ’em.

I’m always with you, my child.

Sweet. But you don’t have to necessarily follow me into the toilet every time.

I’m not sure where to begin. This planet has lost its fucking mind. There’ve always been control issues in place, but now they’ve gotten completely out of hand. Common sense and rational thoughts are crushed by the daily fear campaigns continuously spouted by the TV machine. Feels like I’m surrounded by drones — automatons content to unquestioningly obey whatever new rulesets or guidelines constantly being dictated to them, no matter how illogical or asinine. What the fuck do I do?

Judge not, lest ye be judged thyself.

Hmm. Okay, that’s fair enough. But just for the record, no one says “ye” or “thyself” anymore in 2020.

Of course not, that’s why it sounds so kick-ass when I do it. Although I shared that insight more than 2000 years ago, the sentiment is just as apt today. And I thank you kindly for judging my choice of words. 

Oh fuck, right. I’m still doing it. Sorry. Let me better explain why I’m bitching and whining today. It’s not about who’s right, who’s wrong, what’s real, or what’s fake, it has to do with the lack of open dialogue. It seems everyone is locked into a rigid belief system, completely unwilling to entertain thoughts that haven’t been dictated to them by “authority” figures — assholes with well-documented track records of lies, deceit, and self-serving manipulation.

Who’s everyone? What makes your belief system any different?

Okay, maybe “everyone” was unfair hyperbole. Yes, it’s true I’ve spent many years professing I had all the answers to whatever I was passionate about back in the day — diet, lifestyle, philosophies, and a shitload more. But I’ve seen through my rigidity. I’m ready to amend or outright dismiss whatever theories I currently hold dear about this reality whenever new insight is gleaned. There’s nothing left I can say I “believe” anymore. Direct experience trumps all.

And how is that so vastly different from those around you? Are you a more wonderful creature because you’re enlightened?

I never said I was enlightened, I simply said I wasn’t as rigid anymore.

So not enlightened, but more advanced, more evolved? Flaccid?

Stop it. I’m not trying to sound superior. Just saying I wish society could be a little more open-minded to discuss new ideas or possibilities.

Like you were you 15 years ago?

Fuck. Alright. Make your point already.

No need. Seems you already have. Care to summarize?

Hm. Yeah, okay. Thanks for ruining my angry rant by the way.

No problemo. Continue…

Alright…

I guess everyone learns and grows at their own pace. It’s not a reason to judge. If someone’s not ready to entertain a message being shared, no amount of logic, reasoning, or (haha) “scientific evidence” will convince them otherwise. Arguments and debates are pointless without an open-minded forum.

The realization I once walked in the shoes of a person on the receiving end of my “superior” criticism becomes the foundation for new perspectives of interaction — Empathy. Understanding. Patience. Unconditional love. Shit like that. How am I doing?

Honestly, you sound a bit patronizing and preachy, but don’t sweat it. I’m in no position to judge. I spent my better years wandering the desert in shitty homemade sandals, trying my damnedest to share a message I thought to be worthy — and look where that got me! I don’t know how many people you’ve brought back from the dead, but let me tell you, at the end of the day, it still doesn’t give you street cred with any group afraid to move out of their comfort zone. So stop worrying about waking sleep-walkers, and focus on advancing new ideas with however many free-thinking disciples you find around you. Worst case scenario, someone nails you to a tree.

Haha, that’s encouraging! Any final thoughts on dealing with this screwball prison planet?

Indeed. Did it slip your mind that my story ended in a kangaroo court trial and brutal murder? No matter. Let me leave you with these words. Life will continually throw you curveballs you perceive to be “injustices.” This I promise. You can handle them in one of two ways: bitch and whine till the end of time, or explore endless creative solutions to advance your growth. You’ve always held the key to the lock on your chains.

Okay, nicely said JC. Although I’ve misplaced my key, I’m gonna start looking for it right now. Well, maybe after a beer.

And you wonder why you’re fucked…