COVID-1984 Douchebag Test

We all want to be loved, right?

Of course.

How horrible would it be to one day find out your beloved personality quirks irritated the hell out of 98% of the people around you?

Pretty crushing, I’m sure.

No need to fret. The following test has been scientifically formulated to put you on the right path of social normality — simultaneously determining the 2 major factors that currently affect your life the most:

A.  Am I Respectful, CoronaSmart Human?

B.  Am I a Fucking Douchebag?

Go grab a pen and paper.

Read the following questions, and add 2 strokes each time you answer Yes/Correct. If you respond with Nay/Erroneous, only stroke once.

If you stroke more than 108 times during this quiz, you likely have a masturbation problem.

Let’s begin.

1. Do I wear a top-of-the-line surgical mask and disposable gloves when I drive in my car, all by my lonesome, to pick up a half-priced treadmill waiting for me at the Canadian Tire curbside pickup, committed to shed the 30 pounds I’ve gained during lockdown while watching Netflix and boredom-eating?

2. Do I feel guilty walking 2 feet down a supermarket aisle to grab a jar of Mushroom Ragu, knowing I’m in clear violation of a decaying one-way sticker on the floor?

3. When someone sneezes, is my go-to comment: “Ooh, COVID, hahaha!”

4. Do I elbow-bump people instead of shaking hands?

5. Do I apply hand-sanitizer after masturbating in the shower?

6. Do I routinely purchase meat products that contain mechanically-separated pork, chicken, or turkey?

7. Do I step off the sidewalk curb to avoid being within 6 feet of some diseased douchebag motherfucker gleefully walking their yappy, piece-of-shit micro-dog?

8. Have I ever referred to Game of Thrones as GOT?

9. Have I ever refused a family member to visit my domicile because a guinea pig might count as the 5th in my household?

10. Have I ever said to anyone: “Hey dude, wanna binge-watch season two of Felicity?”

11. Have I ever gone down a playground slide in the dark, possibly while drunk, and suffered near decapitation because some COVID-fearing-fuckface wrapped a piece of orange fencing around the middle of the apparatus to deter public usage?

12. Have I ever been hit with a bag of bread because I encroached within 6 feet of a ninety-year-old fossil at Giant Tiger who was bulk-buying toilet paper, pasta, and slices of Wonder?

13. Do I realize “no-contact pick-up” doesn’t mean jack-shit if a 48-year-old cook in the kitchen rubs his balls religiously before slapping each burger on the grill?

14. Do I wear a cloth mask all day at work because I fear germs, then go home and suck my husband’s cock?

15. Am I secretly aroused by the smell of hand-sanitizer?

16. Have I wiped my bum in the last 3 months with toilet paper I bought because it was “on sale?”

16. Have I refused to go back to work because I fear “unsafe” conditions, knowing I make waaaay better money on CERB kickbacks?

17. Have I been part of a recent demonstration to show the world Black Lives Matter, while ignoring my previous mantra of, “Staying Home Saves Lives?”

18. Do I feel homophobic when my girlfriend sticks a finger up my ass?

19. Do I have a sign on my front lawn saying “I support front-line workers,” ignorant of the fact nurses are being laid off in droves because hospitals are empty?

20. Did I secretly hang a noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage?

Okay, nice work. Your test is now complete.

Determining Your Score

Spend a moment to tally your strokes, then click here to uncover your status:

SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS

Fun in the Madhouse

Okay, so the motherfuckers finally closed my little gym. Considering I’ve never been in the room with more than 3 people working out at a time, I can’t for the life of me figure out how this helps curtail the spread of a disease that absolutely no one seems to have in this stupid, paranoid, shithole town.

With that meaningless closure, I’m now left with nary an outlet from the confines of my shabby hovel, the place where my roommate is imprisoned as well, already stir-crazy from boredom.

Although I’ve asked him roughly 43,000 times to never mention the news or media again, he just can’t help himself when another absurd headline pings his phone.

Continue reading Fun in the Madhouse

Fuck You Society

I find venting to be a healthy thing. Instead of letting emotional toxins fester in the mind, heart and soul, you let ’em loose, be done with them, then move on to find solutions. Right now I have so much scathing shit I want to pump out, I don’t know where to fucking start.

But mulling it over in my head, I realize maybe it’s pointless.

Continue reading Fuck You Society