BonerFruit: A Special Message to Readers Regarding Covid-19

To Our Valued Subscribers and World-community,

Amidst the chaos and worry of the coronavirus (Covid-19), we here at BonerFruit want to assure you that your health is, and will always be, of utmost importance to us. We share in the concerns and uncertainty of humanity’s latest pandemic and pending economic doom, and will continue to serve Canadians and the world in steps to support family, friends, and community during these highly difficult times.

To minimize the wildfire spread of this deadly and heartless micro-assassin, all keyboards inputting even the smallest contribution toward the BonerFruit brand will be thoroughly sanitized every hour, on the hour, without exception, using government-approved disinfectant chemicals, regardless of their toxicity or damaging long-term health effects.

All BonerFruit contributors will wear no less than 6-pairs of gloves while using a keyboard. The surface of each set of gloves donned will be thoroughly treated, using approved sanitization techniques, before the next pair is put on. The touching of anything other than a sterile keyboard (e.g. face, hair, doorhandle, toothbrush, toilet, crotch, etc.) will immediately negate safe operating procedure, and warrant implementation of 6-glove replacement protocol,* which will remain in effect for every 15-minutes of keyboard time, regardless of sterility violations.

Though mandatory removal of all body hair and hourly exfoliation is not yet being enforced, we urge our contributors to voluntarily consider this common-sense initiative to reduce the risk and spread of Covid-19. Surgical masks, hair-nets, and beard-nets are mandatory within 6 feet of BonerFruit related keyboards.

Any BonerFruit contributor showing signs or symptoms of illness will self-quarantine, without exception, until one of the following scenarios unfolds:

A. The end of the worldwide pandemic
B. Death.

During downtime between writing sessions, all contributors to BonerFruit will maintain strict adherence to the following safety measures:

  1. Hand sanitization, using government-approved cleansing agents, every 8 minutes.
  2. Minimum 6-foot distancing (20-feet preferred) from all potential human/animal pathogen carriers
  3. 48 showers/day, using government-approved cleansing agents
  4. Celibacy and/or abstenstion from masturbation, including all forms of genital fondling/handling without proper safety gear (e.g. gloves, tongs, etc.)

While many key services (critical in supporting the health and mental well-being of society) have been suspended indefinitely, the essential service of alcohol vending/distribution has not, and will never be, affected by this world-wide plague, so we urge all our Bonerfruit contributors to continue remaining blitzed during their writing sessions, in order to stay numb to the fact society has lost its collective fucking mind.

To Your Safety and Health,

Michael Ciupka,
President and CGFYOO,
BonerFruit