We all want to be loved, right?
How horrible would it be to one day find out your beloved personality quirks irritated the hell out of 98% of the people around you?
Pretty crushing, I’m sure.
No need to fret. The following test has been scientifically formulated to put you on the right path of social normality — simultaneously determining the 2 major factors that currently affect your life the most:
A. Am I Respectful, CoronaSmart Human?
B. Am I a Fucking Douchebag?
Go grab a pen and paper.
Read the following questions, and add 2 strokes each time you answer Yes/Correct. If you respond with Nay/Erroneous, only stroke once.
If you stroke more than 108 times during this quiz, you likely have a masturbation problem.
1. Do I wear a top-of-the-line surgical mask and disposable gloves when I drive in my car, all by my lonesome, to pick up a half-priced treadmill waiting for me at the Canadian Tire curbside pickup, committed to shed the 30 pounds I’ve gained during lockdown while watching Netflix and boredom-eating?
2. Do I feel guilty walking 2 feet down a supermarket aisle to grab a jar of Mushroom Ragu, knowing I’m in clear violation of a decaying one-way sticker on the floor?
3. When someone sneezes, is my go-to comment: “Ooh, COVID, hahaha!”
4. Do I elbow-bump people instead of shaking hands?
5. Do I apply hand-sanitizer after masturbating in the shower?
6. Do I routinely purchase meat products that contain mechanically-separated pork, chicken, or turkey?
7. Do I step off the sidewalk curb to avoid being within 6 feet of some diseased douchebag motherfucker gleefully walking their yappy, piece-of-shit micro-dog?
8. Have I ever referred to Game of Thrones as GOT?
9. Have I ever refused a family member to visit my domicile because a guinea pig might count as the 5th in my household?
10. Have I ever said to anyone: “Hey dude, wanna binge-watch season two of Felicity?”
11. Have I ever gone down a playground slide in the dark, possibly while drunk, and suffered near decapitation because some COVID-fearing-fuckface wrapped a piece of orange fencing around the middle of the apparatus to deter public usage?
12. Have I ever been hit with a bag of bread because I encroached within 6 feet of a ninety-year-old fossil at Giant Tiger who was bulk-buying toilet paper, pasta, and slices of Wonder?
13. Do I realize “no-contact pick-up” doesn’t mean jack-shit if a 48-year-old cook in the kitchen rubs his balls religiously before slapping each burger on the grill?
14. Do I wear a cloth mask all day at work because I fear germs, then go home and suck my husband’s cock?
15. Am I secretly aroused by the smell of hand-sanitizer?
16. Have I wiped my bum in the last 3 months with toilet paper I bought because it was “on sale?”
16. Have I refused to go back to work because I fear “unsafe” conditions, knowing I make waaaay better money on CERB kickbacks?
17. Have I been part of a recent demonstration to show the world Black Lives Matter, while ignoring my previous mantra of, “Staying Home Saves Lives?”
18. Do I feel homophobic when my girlfriend sticks a finger up my ass?
19. Do I have a sign on my front lawn saying “I support front-line workers,” ignorant of the fact nurses are being laid off in droves because hospitals are empty?
20. Did I secretly hang a noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage?
Okay, nice work. Your test is now complete.
Determining Your Score
Spend a moment to tally your strokes, then click here to uncover your status:SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS