New Book? About Fucking Time, Asshole!

Calm the fuck down, it ain’t ready yet.

But since a whole lotta nothing happened today (and I fucking loved every minute of it!), I figure I’d at least get some stupid shit posted (on top of a moderately lame Daily Bread — whatever! They can’t all be frickin’ gold!!!) before the sun hits the horizon.

Here ya go! New excerpt from…

THE BONERFRUIT GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE JUNKIESPHERE
(snazzy title, eh?)

Introduction: Fundamental Maintenance

Let’s start with the obvious…

No one knows why the fuck we’re here.

No one’s been given even the most rudimentary of manuals to help them navigate the realm we call Earth. Our practical understanding of this grandiose mess comes down to blindly trusting loved-ones, authority figures, written history, and/or cocksucking science to provide us with the necessary tools to “thrive” from cradle to grave.

So ponder this…

As a blank-slate youngling, what motivations could you possibly have to question or second-guess the Caregivers?

There are none.

And that’s because the innocence of youth is the closest thing to trust and purity humanity can offer. The unadulterated joy and unconditional love unique to a miniature human should be revered as the most magical state of mind, worthy of emulation by even the most cynical of motherfuckers wandering the streets.

But, sadly, that ain’t the case.

I can’t speak experientially about the habits of indigenous cultures that existed before our so-called “superior” modern age, but I’ll make an educated guess about what life was like before “society” on this planet took a bizarre and horrific turn for the worse…

Ready?

Tribes instinctively focused on survival, which naturally progressed their evolution toward intentional, harmonious partnerships with one another (AND THE FUCKING LAND!) to maximize the possibility of a blissful existence. The Elders — the ones with the most experience and wisdom — were revered and respected for their insight, instead of being shunted into isolated death-camps, called “care-homes,” to die alone, forgotten, irrelevant, and hopped-up on an unholy plethora of toxic pills.

The kiddies born into that natural, holistic environment were treated like wondrous, communal offspring — not the screechy, abhorrent default of two horny fuckers pumping out a unit every nine months.

Emphasizing practical skills and cultural harmony to anyone reaching an age of maturity was paramount to a tribe’s prosperity, longevity, and self-worth. In essence, mammals in balance — creatures working with one another for the greater good of their environment and community — not motherfuckers trying to ass-rape each other for fancier cars, larger houses, or the bitch with the biggest tits.

Let those thoughts percolate in your brain for a bit before we move on. I’m no anthropology expert, but I have a sneaking suspicion you might agree that our modern culture may not be as radically advanced as we love to believe.

I’m not sure what gear the JunkieSphere machine is currently in, but it feels like the wheels are spinning in mud. And the CHECK ENGINE light is definitely on.

Let’s see if we can figure out why…

 

[Editor’s note: New book now available for pre-order! For the low, low, price of, um, I dunno, like $80 bucks or something? Yeah, $80 bucks, that’s totally fair for this calibre of genius. And I’ll throw in a coupon for like a sandwich or somethin’. Maybe I’ll tell you some bullshit like 50% percent of the proceeds go to 3rd world losers, or whoever collects the cash from those fucking Smile cookies, shit like that. Anyways, send your cash to BonerGuy, 123 Fake St, JerkoffVille Canada, and you’ll be eatin’ half a sandwich readin’ life-changing material before you can say “Holy shit, that motherfucker scammed me again!!”]