Tag: bonerfruit blog

New Book? About Fucking Time, Asshole!

Calm the fuck down, it ain’t ready yet.

But since a whole lotta nothing happened today (and I fucking loved every minute of it!), I figure I’d at least get some stupid shit posted (on top of a moderately lame Daily Bread — whatever! They can’t all be frickin’ gold!!!) before the sun hits the horizon.

Here ya go! New excerpt from…

THE BONERFRUIT GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE JUNKIESPHERE
(snazzy title, eh?)

Introduction: Fundamental Maintenance

Let’s start with the obvious…

No one knows why the fuck we’re here.

No one’s been given even the most rudimentary of manuals to help them navigate the realm we call Earth. Our practical understanding of this grandiose mess comes down to blindly trusting loved-ones, authority figures, written history, and/or cocksucking science to provide us with the necessary tools to “thrive” from cradle to grave.

So ponder this…

As a blank-slate youngling, what motivations could you possibly have to question or second-guess the Caregivers?

There are none.

And that’s because the innocence of youth is the closest thing to trust and purity humanity can offer. The unadulterated joy and unconditional love unique to a miniature human should be revered as the most magical state of mind, worthy of emulation by even the most cynical of motherfuckers wandering the streets.

But, sadly, that ain’t the case.

I can’t speak experientially about the habits of indigenous cultures that existed before our so-called “superior” modern age, but I’ll make an educated guess about what life was like before “society” on this planet took a bizarre and horrific turn for the worse…

Ready?

Tribes instinctively focused on survival, which naturally progressed their evolution toward intentional, harmonious partnerships with one another (AND THE FUCKING LAND!) to maximize the possibility of a blissful existence. The Elders — the ones with the most experience and wisdom — were revered and respected for their insight, instead of being shunted into isolated death-camps, called “care-homes,” to die alone, forgotten, irrelevant, and hopped-up on an unholy plethora of toxic pills.

The kiddies born into that natural, holistic environment were treated like wondrous, communal offspring — not the screechy, abhorrent default of two horny fuckers pumping out a unit every nine months.

Emphasizing practical skills and cultural harmony to anyone reaching an age of maturity was paramount to a tribe’s prosperity, longevity, and self-worth. In essence, mammals in balance — creatures working with one another for the greater good of their environment and community — not motherfuckers trying to ass-rape each other for fancier cars, larger houses, or the bitch with the biggest tits.

Let those thoughts percolate in your brain for a bit before we move on. I’m no anthropology expert, but I have a sneaking suspicion you might agree that our modern culture may not be as radically advanced as we love to believe.

I’m not sure what gear the JunkieSphere machine is currently in, but it feels like the wheels are spinning in mud. And the CHECK ENGINE light is definitely on.

Let’s see if we can figure out why…

 

[Editor’s note: New book now available for pre-order! For the low, low, price of, um, I dunno, like $80 bucks or something? Yeah, $80 bucks, that’s totally fair for this calibre of genius. And I’ll throw in a coupon for like a sandwich or somethin’. Maybe I’ll tell you some bullshit like 50% percent of the proceeds go to 3rd world losers, or whoever collects the cash from those fucking Smile cookies, shit like that. Anyways, send your cash to BonerGuy, 123 Fake St, JerkoffVille Canada, and you’ll be eatin’ half a sandwich readin’ life-changing material before you can say “Holy shit, that motherfucker scammed me again!!”]

Round and Round She Goes… Planet Stupid Totally Blows!

Wanna know what I love most about unemployment?

Take a wild guess…

EVERYTHING!

Especially the NOT HAVING A FUCKING JOB part, it rocks!!

Not sure where this fucked up road on Planet Stupid leads to next, but whatever insanity sits around the next bend, it’s gonna have to wait, cuz I’m takin’ a looooong, well deserved rest in the “I-don’t-give-a-flying-fuck-to-participate-anymore-in-your-fucking-reindeer-games” campground, where my 4-season tent is fully erect, lol.

But, interestingly enough, I’m quite certain this ain’t the first time I’ve started a blog rant extolling a similar — if not identical — sentiment.

Hmm…yup…

After a quick keyword search on the BonerFruit homepage, it seems I have indeed been down the I’m-So-Fucking-Happy-To-Be-Free-From-My-Shit-Fucking-Job road at least 3 times since moving to this craptastic town.

Hmm…

That ain’t so fuckin’ good, is it?

In fact, that realization’s a bit of a slap upside my stupid-ass head — an unexpected wake up call. It hearkens the quote:

“Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”

Apparently I have just enough common sense to get the fuck out of a situation before it breaks my mind, body, and soul, but not enough basic intelligence to refrain from entering the same bullshit foray again and again and again.

So now it’s time once more to play everyone’s favourite game…”What if?”

I clearly don’t do this often enough, else I wouldn’t be telling you ’bout how much I love not having a job… and then getting another job… and then telling you ’bout how much I love not having a job… and then getting another job… and then telling you ’bout how much I love not having a job… and then… yeah, you get the idea.

I have a cool post about the “What if?” game that I wrote many moons ago, and I’ll leave you a link to it at the end of this page if you’d like to engage in some supplementary insanity. Oops, I meant supplementary reading.

For now, let’s play the simplest version of this thought experiment, and see where it goes…

Ready?

If you knew for certain you had exactly one year left to live on Planet Stupid, what would you do with your time? What would you do today? What would you do right now???

Think about your answers. Take your time. But not too much time, cuz you’re gonna be dead soon…

I love (hate?) this game because I (more often than not) answer myself with:

“What the fuck am I doing? Seriously!! Why am I wasting my time on this shit? How come I’m not [fill in blank here] every fucking day????”

And therein lies the importance of the game… putting shit into perspective… recognizing priorities… distinguishing the trivial from the meaningful… and then making new choices — choices that are bold enough to finally extricate oneself from the putrid quagmire of braindead routine and conformity… choices that nourish and incubate the greatest joys buried deep in our hearts, allowing them to finally break free of the fear-based social conditioning we’ve been inundated with since birth.

We’re all gonna be dead soon. Dead and forgotten. In a hundred years, no one’s gonna give a flying fuck whether you lived or died. Your contribution to Planet Stupid won’t have meant shit, so why are you wasting your time playing a game that doesn’t give a shit about you?

Let’s end this on one more quote that just came to mind:

“When one door closes, another opens.”

That’s all fine and dandy, but a tad short-sighted — basically pompous rhetoric of some phony positivist trying to sound all smarty-pantsy. I can paraphrase the sentiment much more functionally:

“There IS only one door — only one that truly matters. And you’re gonna have to decide whether to walk through it or not. And if you do, it’s not going to close behind you, you’re gonna slam the motherfucker shut yourself, cuz goin’ back ain’t gonna be an acceptable option.”

Lol, I guess that was a tad bombastic. Prolly won’t fit on a mug either, haha.

Anyways, enough for now. Go do the shit that makes you happy. To hell with the rest of it.

Later

P.S. Homework